How to Watch the World Cup at Work

Wow, did you guys catch that exhilarating 2-2 tie between the US and Slovenia? What a game! Wait… were you seriously working? Work is no excuse for not watching the World Cup. Here's how you do both.

Today's tied match basically means that the US has to win against Algeria next Wednesday to advance to the knockout round. Which means you, as an American citizen or legal resident, have to watch. It is basically in the Constitution. But the match is at 10 AM; you've got to go to work! That's why we've compiled this handy guide to watching the World Cup at work:

Don't go to work

This is obviously the easiest option. Call in sick and go to a bar! Although it is not really a smart idea to call in sick on a Monday, as we've told you before.

Watch only the really important games at work

Watching the World Cup at work is a lot like drinking on the job: Only do it when it's really necessary. Hopefully you caught every match in Group C, which is America's group, no matter what time it was on. And you probably want to watch every one of Spain's matches, because they've really got to dig themselves out of a hole after Switzerland somehow beat them. And Argentina—always amazing soccer! Brazil, Germany, and France are all other teams whose matches you must watch at work. So, yeah, only watch those couple dozen games and no more.

Try to keep it down

Operative word here is "try." Don't cheer just because someone made a good pass or a strong tackle. Reserve noisy outbursts only for goals, crossbar shots, whiffed shots, red cards, yellow cards, blown referee calls, pictures of hot girls in the stands, and any time an Italian player gets hurt. (Stupid Italians!)

Work really hard during half-time

If you think about it, soccer is tailor-made for procrastinating at work. Most of us already have a work pattern of slacking off for 45 minutes, then doing 30 minutes of intense work to make up for the slacking, then getting bored and slacking off for another 45 minutes. So, just keep doing that!

Twitter is your friend

If your boss is really mean and doesn't let you watch on the job, just follow the match on Twitter, provided it's not down because of all the soccer traffic. And since you're already on Twitter, tweet about how mean your boss is.

Bosses: Chill out

A few days of your workers spending 90 minutes slacking off is not going to destroy your company. And if it does, well, your company wasn't very good to begin with, was it? In England, everyone watches soccer at work. The British Federation of Small Businesses even issued a helpful press release providing "guidance on how strife can be avoided in the workplace during the tournament." (Read it here.) Who knows, watching the World Cup might even help your company. The head of the German national employer's association said watching soccer "encourages team cohesion and staff motivation."