Bernie Madoff in prison is just as fascinating as Bernie Madoff on house arrest. What's he doing in there? If a prisoner snitching to a yellow tabloid can be trusted, he's blabbing about a secret multibillion-dollar stash! And being depressed.

New York Magazine mined the prison snitches for a long article earlier this month, and reported that a cocky Bernie was hanging with gangsters and declaring "Fuck my victims." Now, the New York Post drops a bigger bombshell, unsupported by anything but an anonymous snitch: Bernie "secretly funneled $9 billion in swiped funds to three people before he was nabbed." What a thumb in the eye to all those forensic auditors! He thinks that his former partner, Frank DiPascali, knows where the money is, and is using that as a bargaining chip to save his own neck.

Which, yes, is possible. But it's also thoroughly unverifiable, and you're not in much of a position to go hunting for the treasure. So it's more interesting to hear reports that Bernie was plunged into depression after his mistress, Sheryl Weinstein, got an entire book deal based on his small dick. (Bernie got antidepressants). The snitch also reports on the current whereabouts of villain-by-association Ruth Madoff:

"She's bought a regular car," the inmate said. "She's looking to do charity work. She wants to have her own privacy and to start a new life."

If you spot a middle-aged woman driving a regular car to a soup kitchen, email pics to the New York Post at once.