Megan Fox Devoured By Money-Hungry Toys

As expected, the second Toy Story sequel trampled the rest of the competition this weekend, leaving one new movie so far in the dust that it's hardly recognizable. But if you squint, you can make it out. It's Megan Fox.

1) Toy Story 3 — $109M
Yay for Pixar! It's been so long since they've had a critical and commercial success. They really needed this one, guys. I suppose that with the vocal talents of known box office draws like Don Rickles and political genius John Ratzenberger, it was a sure thing. Plus all the respected critics adored it, from Cody Gifford to Ralph Macchio. I was walking down 2nd Avenue yesterday with my sister to go to that place 16 Handles (have you ever been there and seen the girls who apparently live there and know how to use all the machinery with frightening speed and ease and know all the flavor names by heart? it's more chilling than the fro-yo!) and we walked past that movie theater there and everyone was walking out of TS3 and they were ALL CRYING. What, is the last 10 minutes just a toy reenactment of Night & Fog? I think the movie is like "Hey, did you like this? OK, well we want even more people to see it, so when you leave the theater, pretend to cry, K?" kind of like how at the end of The Mousetrap in the West End the actors ask the audience not to reveal whodunnit. (I'll never tell!) Way to go, Pixar. Now I need to see it.

2) The Karate Kid — $22M
Hiiii-ya! Japanese actor Jackie Chan and his patented karate techniques have once again broken through the competition's cinder block for a strong second week finish. The story of how Will Smith's teenage daughter moves to Tokyo to learn lessons from Jackie Chan so she can go home and murder Vivica A. Fox has just captured America's hearts. Is it the story of the weak becoming the strong, thus becoming the strong themselves? It's possible. The Teabaggers might like that. (RATZENBERGER'D!!) Or maybe everyone went to see Taraji P. Henson. She's a pretty lady. Oh god, do she and Jackie Chan have a love affair in the movie?? "Oh Jackie, you can jump all over my walls anytime you want." "Hai. Hai." "Hi yourself." "Hai. Hai."

3) The A-Team — $13.7M
Coulda been worse, coulda been better. This needless '80s remake has now grossed almost half of its budget, meaning that they're only going to break one of Jessica Biel's legs. She gets to decide which one. The elegant, erudite (which makes him scarier) gangster who runs the villainous movie studio is classy and fair that way. "Pity..." he says, stroking one of her legs. "I hate it when beautiful things are destroyed." Biel grits her teeth, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "You don't have to do this!" The gangster executive shakes his head, uses his pocket square to wipe away the tear. "I'm afraid that I do. I'm afraid that is, as they say, show business." He then looks up, motions to one of his henchmen. The lumbering, silent man grabs Biel, drags her off struggling. As the gangster executive pours a glass of port in a large crystal glass we hear an agonized scream coming from somewhere deep in the mansion.

4) Get Him to the Greek — $6.1M
They're at the Greek! They've earned more than their budget and had a relatively small 38% drop from last week. Yeah, they're at the Greek and he's warming up to do the show and everything's going to be fine. Jonah Hill ought to be sitting pretty. This little flick keeps doing well, and his new one Cyrus opened on four screens with a chunky $45k per screen. Well done, Mr. Hill! Now if we could just get him on that Losing It with Jillian show, he'd be in great shape. Though I'm not sure anyone deserves that. That lady likes to yell a lot. What about Gettin' It Off with Bob Harper? That show is a lot calmer. And, improbably, sexier. Just a friendly suggestion, Mr. Hill. Not that you need any advice from me. Rich and famous people rarely do. Sigh.

8) Jonah Hex — $5M
Speak of Jonahs! Egads was this a flop. More people wanted to see Killers (7th, $5.1M) in its third week of release than wanted to see Jonah Hex in its first. That is not an auspicious beginning. When you think about it, it makes sense. I mean, this movie was a strange choice for a summer blockbuster slot. "Hey, let's do a big budget movie based on a comic book nobody's ever read about a man with a hideous facial deformity!" Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one? In the Things Summer Movie Audiences Don't Want To See scale, I think "hideous facial deformity" is only one step above "gay period piece about feelings and top hats." I'm a little sad about this bomb because I like Josh Brolin mostly and this isn't gonna do anything good for his career, but I'm also a little happy because, y'know, Megan Fox. They keep trying with that girl, don't they? What blockbuster will it be next year? "I know. We have a transgendered cripple who lives in Asia and is sad a lot." "No, no one will go see that." "We'll put Megan Fox in it?" "Green-lit! Green-lit! Go make that movie for the summertime!!"