Not that Amanda Bynes is exactly the Helen Mirren of the former All That crew. (Well, actually, she might be.) But there were signs of some charm in her fluffy teen pics — She's the Man, Sydney White — and she's co-starred in a blockbuster, Hairspray. And now she's just unceremoniously quitting, perhaps right before she was able to jump into some more grownup roles. A shame! Especially a shame when you consider that these young people haven't retired yet.
Everyone loved Megan Fox! She was hot and had interesting thumbs and knew how to fix a car in Daisy Dukes, which is often the hardest way to fix a car. Plus she could speak robot or something. She was totally the hot piece of, like, 2007. So hot that she was allowed to behave like a buffoon in magazine interviews — trying to sound all smart and dark, but still sexy!, when talking about milk farts — and, even worse, allowed to keep acting terribly in movies. There was Transformers 2 and then that Diablo Cody micklemuck Jennifer's Body, which bombed. Oh and speaking of bombs? Her Jonah Hex just became the dud of the summer. So really, Fox is kinda done. One of her two upcoming projects is a movie starring Mickey Rourke about an angel getting rescued by a trumpet player. Seriously! Thus, it is time for Megan Fox to retire. She had a good run of it, coasting along on raveny good looks and a penchant for talking about farts. But those jigs are up — the teenage boys who once loved her are now in college and are now really focused on brainy, driven women. (Right?) What could her next career move be? Maybe she could go to medical school and become a gastrointestinologist.
Once one of Hollywood's most promising young actresses, Chace Crawford's star has fizzled a bit of late. Gossip Girl, the show that brought him some modicum of fame, has withered and fallen out of the zeitgeist. His big, "I'm a cool druggie kid" movie Twelve was unbearably awful. Plus there's the undeniable fact that, while very pretty, I put him in a paper bag three years ago and he's still stuck in it. He just hasn't been able to act his way out of it. He just dropped out of the Footloose remake that was maybe going to make him a movie star (hah), perhaps because he realized that he cannot dance or act, of which Kevin Bacon could do both. (The girl in the original could dance but not act. Maybe Chace was going to take dancing lessons and play her?) His next two movies both take place in upstate New York, so... Sure, one of them is with Jane Fonda (it's a long overdue remake of Georgia Rule), but still. AND! He was just arrested because of drugs. Basically everything's going downhill. He should get out while he still has some cash and doesn't actually have to move upstate.
OK. Most of this is based on the fact that Miley is a very bad musician artist. Look at how she destroyed Canada last night. Poor Canada! What did they ever do to you, Miley Stinkvirus? So yes, Miley should retire from the singing, but she should also not act anymore, ever. Take it from someone who saw The Hannah Montana Movie (I am writing to you from jail): Miley Cyrus is not very good at acting. She has weird manic facial expressions and is extremely physically awkward. That was, I guess, cute when she was a bit younger, but now that she is Blossoming Into a Young Woman, it's just really uncomfortable to watch. Her latest joint, the optimistically titled The Last Song, did fine, but it wasn't as big of a Nicholas Sparksian hit as genuine budding movie star Amanda Seyfried's Dear John. Cyrus's next film costars Demi Moore and is called LOL. So. Also, that smoky scratchy voice is one thing now, but when she gets older? She's going to sound like this. "Miley, why aren't you saying your lines?" "I am!" "I can't make out what you're saying..." "I'm being perfectly clear!"
I know this is a strange idea because his career is just taking off, with the success of the new Karate Kid movie and all. But really, the kid's only 11 years old. He still has time to not be completely ruined by fame. But if the first movie he stars in is a hit (which it is) and then he keeps acting, looking always for that next big smash, it could be very damaging. Sustaining a career as a child is just very hard to do! If he stays acting through his teens, he will probably end up going a bit off the rails, becoming either a wastoid drugs person (stay from him, Chace!) or a crazy Scientologist. Jaden Smith should retire before that happens. Or at least take ten or so years off to have as "normal" a childhood as possible. Sure, growing up in a billion-dollar blockbuster palace isn't terribly normal, but going to school and not being a famous pubescent is, and that's probably better for everyone. Enjoy this summer, kid. And then start sixth grade in the fall and get a proper education.
Kristen Stewart is in the big hit movies. She does the Twilight monster movies and everyone shrieks and claps their hands for her. Even older, respected people claim to find her interesting and different and really something. But, uh, she's really not. This weekend I watched both Adventureland (again) and Twilight: New Moon (for the first and last time, I swear). And she was the exact. same. character. in both movies. Exactly the same! Kristen Stewart in Into the Wild? Same character! Kristen Stewart in In the Land of Women (woooof is that a stinker)? Same character! Every time, Kristen Stewart is just being mumbly, mopey, slappable Kristen Stewart. Kristen Stewart on David Letterman? Same character! She's one-note, and that note is annoying, so she should retire. Take her Twilight riches and go write in her journal or whatever. We've seen the Kristen Stewart character, and liked it or hated it or whatever'd it, and now it's done.
Also: Meryl Streep. It's just time.