Where Are All the Bisexual Men?

This weekend Vanessa Carlton followed in the footsteps of female celebrities like Lady Gaga, Anna Paquin, and Megan Mullally and came out as bisexual. Congrats! But why is this well-intentioned announcement always made by ladies? Aren't there any bi guys?

The funny thing about telling the world that you enjoy having sex with or are attracted to members of both sexes is that it is kind of like announcing to a room full of Americans that you are Canadian. Just like Canadians are basically Americans with a few subtle differences (healthcare, politeness, love of hockey) bisexuals are basically just straight people who like to get a little funky. Just look at Paquin and Mullally who are both in monogamous relationships with men. Sure, they might think about a little lady love every once in awhile, but they're basically in the same relationship as every other breeder on the planet. Lady Gaga admits that she's never actually let another woman ride on her disco stick, and her Sapphic proclivities seem to be a way to bind her closer to the gay community that she fights for and that continues to play remixes of every one of her singles at every one of their social gatherings.

Famous women coming out as loving both peen and vag is kind of nice, in a way. It may be a little meaningless, but it's like breaking in the public for hardcore homosexuals. If we can get all the right-wing crazies in the flat parts of the country to embrace people who like both sexes, maybe they'll get a little more comfortable with those who only jones for members of the same sex. Bisexuals are sort of like queer training wheels, weaning people off of their narrow vision of sexuality to open them up to the world of difference that exists outside of their "traditional marriage."

Bisexual women are especially powerful in this regard because people don't really care if a female has fluid sexuality. In fact, most straight guys would actually prefer imagining that Anna Paquin will not only sleep with them, but will bring her best girlfriend over for a three=way. Yes, there is nothing icky about lady-on-lady action. This is not true with male-on-male intercourse. People are not just disgusted by the people, they're disgusted by the act.

And that's why there are no essentially straight guys who come out as bi either to support gay rights (like Gaga) or for a little bit of a publicity bump (yeah, Vanessa Carlton, we're looking at you). We've been on Craigslist enough to know that bisexual men really do exist, but there aren't any in the public sphere because acknowledging that they have or have thought about bumping uglies with another dude would garner a collective, "Ew! You want to put that where?!"

Thanks in part to our famous bisexual women who are married to men, the world seems to think of bi women as ladies who will venture to the Sapphic side for fun or to please a man. Because butt sex is an unthinkable taboo for so many (especially men who have never tried it and don't know what they're missing), bisexual men are seen as gay guys who are clinging on to women so they won't seem too faggy.

It's a horrible double standard and it's one I think we should end. How? Well, we need some famous dudes to come out as bi. We know you're out there, guys. And even if you're not, can't you pull a Gaga and just pretend for the sake of the cause? Thanks!

[Image via Rikke/Shutterstock]