We were too busy breathing in the fresh scent of post-rainstorm New York to watch The City last night. Luckily, fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there to clue us in on all the trashy cat fights.
If the Shoes Fit
by Betsey Morgenstern
Social Coordinator, Ed2010.com
I was at an Ed2012 mixer the other day and I ran into my friend Tanya, who is working as an intern this summer at Elle magazine. Since I've been inaccessible at times because of my pending trial (seriously, Tom Arnold, it was not prostitution!) I had to get all the scoop from her what was going on at the magazine.
"Hey, Tanya, what's the haps?" I asked.
"Oh my god. Like, you missed so much!" she squealed.
"Oh really? Like what?"
"Well, there was a photo shoot and do you know who we got? Ke$ha!! OMG! She is like totes awesome, right? Everyone was all bringing her all these clothes and jackets and shit, but what everyone was really worried about were the shoes. She can't just be all throwing on some Louboutins like J.Lo. No, Ke$ha likes garbage and dollar signs and "tick tock, don't stop..."
"Tanya, stop dancing. Tell me what happened."
"OK, so one of the accessories interns Facebooked me and said that Olivia went to Trash and Vaudeville to find shoes for Ke$ha, because she likes trash."
"You're right, Ke$ha is trash."
"Hehe, LOL! Srsly, she isn't trash. She likes it. She really likes it. The only place Olivia could think to go for trash was this story called Trash and Vaudeville, cause it has trash in the name and they tried to give her paddles and bustiers and shit and Olivia was all like 'Hell to the no!' She did try on a pair of spiked boots. No! WAIT! She didn't try on the pair, she would only try on one and then she was like 'I'm not walking in these?' and then the girls at the store were all like 'Pshaw! Who doesn't walk in shoes?!' and Olivia was all, 'Shut the fuck up. These shoes are giving my foot poor.' It was so funny."
"That is funny. What happened with the shoes."
"Have you ever heard of Nicholas Kirkwood? He makes these am-ahzing shoes. Are you on Twitter? You should follow him. Oh, and follow me. I'm @TanyaHeyHey! The exclamation point is silent. But he was tweeting that he had these shoes that were made out of trash bags and Olivia must have seen it because she asked to use the shoes. She said she had a "personal contact" with them, but I think she must have just tweeted @NicholasTrashShoes him and was like, 'Gimme the shoes, yo' Ya know! Well, she met Louise Roe..."
"God, I hate her."
"Who, Louise? No way! You two should be besties. You have the same taste in boys!"
"That's the problem. But why was she eating lunch with Olivia."
"Well, they weren't really eating, ifyaknowwhatimsayin', but they did meet and Louise was like 'Trash bag shoes!' and Olivia was like, 'Duh! Gots 'em!' and Louise was like, 'I'm not trying to take your job' and Olivia was like, 'Duh! I don't care,' then they sort of laughed and giggled and hand fitzed at one another."
"So, everyone liked the shoes?"
"Of course. It's like the giant mall of small designers for boutiques to shop from. I got banned last year for vomiting on some lady from Scoop."
"Well, Whitney and Roxy Foursquared that they were there, so we all went to get our Fashionista badge by going to three events that have reality stars, champagne, and clothes in one week, and Whitney was totally selling all this stuff to this weird looking dude. And my friend Becky was there and was like, 'Isn't that the pervert who is obsessed with fashion girls who sent me a picture of his dick from Twitpic?' And I was like 'Yeah! Ewwwww!' And he ordered all these clothes from Whitney and made her try them on for him and got her to undress in front of him and then he totes went and jacked it in the corner while sniffing the order form. Then of course he canceled the order the next day."
"Right, once they get off, they don't need the goods anymore. So what did she do with the clothes."
"I don't know, but do you like the new shorts I got from Wink? Don't they look just like patio furniture! They're so hip. I saw that Tavi had a pair and I had to get them. Style Rookie this, biatch!"
"Well, what happened with the Ke$ha shoot?"
"Oh, it was awesome. She was all 'Trash, trash, I love trash,' and Olivia was like, 'These shoes! Wear. What's my line? Wear them!' And she did and it was fierce, but then Erin was talking to Seth, the EIC's assistant who I have a huge crush on and was all 'Olivia makes me want to vom,' and he said something but I was writing Mrs. SethTheAssistant all over my notebook and couldn't really hear. Then Olivia came and was like 'Everyone loves me. Take that bitch!' and Erin was like, 'Whatevs. I bet you stole that from Louise!' then Olivia was like 'You can't pin me to the ground!' and Erin was like, 'I want to throw you in a pit!' and then Olivia stormed off and was like 'Peace, bitch' and Erin made a face. It was AWESOME!"
"Thanks Tanya. You are always good for a dish."
"You got any gossip girl for me, Bets."
"Yeah. You know that Seth boy you love? You're barking up the wrong tree, girl. XOXO!"