Britney Spears' Life: 'Worse Than Prison'

"Miserable" Britney seeks solace with a sleazy ex-boyfriend. Kim Kardashian has a new beau. Robert Pattinson "just took a shit on the Queen's face." (Sort of.) Lindsay Lohan's ex-assistant remains loyal. Thursday gossip will stab you in the back.

  • Jamie Spears' conservatorship over daughter Britney has basically been a success. (No more nip-slips, no more visible tampon strings, no more short skirts without panties. These are the low standards to which we hold addled starlets.) But now Brit-Brit is "miserable." She reportedly thinks her life is "worse than being in prison—at least in prison you know when your time is up." I have a feeling that sentence came out more ominously than intended. Anyway, to soothe her stultified soul, Britney has apparently been having "secret chats" with sleazebag hanger-on ex Adnan Ghalib, the paparazzo-turned-Britney-handler who sold voicemail messages to the media after her mental breakdown. Stay away, Britney! Even by phone, he is dangerous. [Celebitchy, Us, image via Splash]

  • Maybe restricted Britney just needs to crank some Miley Cyrus and have a dance party. Asked about "empowerment themes" in her music, Miley said, "I wrote [song 'Liberty Walk'] for women that feel like they're stuck in abusive relationships, but it's a dance song. So you think 'that must be kind of a sad ballad,' but it's a party song." [Popeater]

  • The competitive sport of Kim Kardashian's love life continues: Now she's dating Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin. Like their famously large rear ends, loving athletes is in the Kardashian women's genes. [People]

  • Lindsay Lohan's ex-assistant Eleanore (or Elinore or Eleonore, nobody knows how to spell her name) is fielding $50,000 offers to tell all. "She has so far refused... she's afraid she'll never work again." Actually, having Lindsay Lohan on your resume is the real career killer. [P6]

  • In a dual interview, Robert Pattinson leapt to Kristen Stewart's defense against "little nerds behind their computers, on their little blogs." Kristen responded, "See, if I said that? Crucifixion. You can say so much more than me.... You can say, 'I just took a shit on the Queen's face,' and people would be like, 'Oh I love him! I love him!'" She has a point. (And it's true, even Rob's insults are cute. "Little nerds" makes me think of candy.) [HollywoodInsider]

  • The Bachelor star Jake Pavelka says he dumped his reality TV-anointed wife by phone, because he needed to clear his head before an acting role. She has a different story, and there's also the rumor that she cheated, but the phone-call head-clearing in the name of yet another Hollywood gig is my favorite one. It has a poetic appropriateness. [People, Us]

  • Jersey Shore's Pauly D is thinking about buying a $200,000 Lamborghini. Appropriately, he wants to do it at a dealership featured in a reality show about cars. You could have an entire self-contained society of reality stars and their business enterprises. Their doctors would be Dr. 90210, their children would go to school at Laguna Beach. [TMZ]

  • Self-proclaimed "lesbian Don Juan" and Yahoo heiress Courtenay Semel is "dying to make a cameo on 'The real L-Word.'" Apparently she's an emotional wreck when it comes to love (she denounced "true soulmate" Casey Johnson shortly before Casey died) so an appearance on reality TV is a logical next step. [P6]

  • Figure skater and testicular cancer survivor Scott Hamilton is recovering from brain surgery to remove a tumor near his pituitary that has been plaguing him since 2004. He's "resting comfortably and expected to make a full recovery." [People]