CNN Discovers Elusive 'Good Side' of Oil SpillS

Man, this whole Oil Spill thing is such a downer. If only someone could help us see the brilliant rainbow in the inky black slick. CNN to the rescue! Today they have found the 'good side' of the Oil Spill!

CNN may or may not have posted a request on Help a Reporter Out—the message board for lazy reporters seeking lazy flacks—asking about any "good side" of the oil spill. Either way, they found the silver lining: This one random guy in Florida is in a good mood.

Meet Floridian Gary Hites. Hites is very optimistic about the oil spill, even though it's ruining his boat touring business. Why? He says,

I see people working this oil spill that have never worked a day in their life. I think the US can benefit from this in the long run.

Sorry, Gary, that's not a sign that the oil spill is good. That is a sign that the economy is so fucked that the best job creator these days is not GM or Microsoft, but a broken pipe gushing thousands of gallons of oil into the ocean. And, trust us, you do not want to see the oil spill's complimentary employee day care.

Reporter Tom Foreman is also optimistic! He says:

Sure the fear of oil has cut charter fishing reservations. But it has filled hotels and restaurants with disaster response workers.

And CNN reporters, who are awesome people! So, yeah, the oil spill's pretty much a wash, right? Oh, except do you know why the oil has "cut charter fishing reservations?" Because it's killed all the fish. This is like if Walter Cronkite had been reporting on Vietnam and been like, "It's true that napalm attacks have devastated Vietnam's beloved riverboat cruise industry. But they have also cleared thousands of acres of jungle on which the Vietnamese can someday build soccer fields."

And the final silver lining of the oil spill: You get to prepare for the terrible oil spill!

Folks like Gary believe building up these gulf communities even as their neighbors struggle is critical, because that may help the entire region come back whenever the oil finally goes away.

Oil spill: looking good. After all, how will the gulf region ever have a chance to experience a dramatic rebound from utter environmental and economic destruction unless the environment and economy has been utterly destroyed?

(Via Kevin Zimmerman)