Lindsay Lohan's Favorite Gross Tea Could Soon Be Treated As Alcohol

Breaking kombucha news! When Whole Foods pulled the vile fermented tea from its shelves due to concerns over high alcohol content, millions of pampered shoppers were dismayed. Now, feds say kombucha should be treated like a lowly Budweiser.

Oh, God, Portland, Oregon must be roiling right now. Kombucha is the somehow popular fermented, ancient-Chinese-or-some-bullshit tea that supposedly cures everything. But the Times reports that on Wednesday, "the Treasure Department issued a warning stating that kombucha may be subject to the same taxes and regulations as other beverages containing alcohol." That's because testing has shown alcohol content in the weird sour brew often far surpasses the government mandated .05 percent limit, sometimes clocking in as high as 3 percent. Which means that tween foodies will have to sneak sips from their kind lesbian aunt the next time they're at their favorite all-bulgar vegan buffet.

GT Dave, owner of GT Dave's kombucha—the nation's largest mass kombucha producer—tells mindbodygreen he's confident that proper labeling will clear his $5 bottles of carbonated bacteria poop for consumption by Park Slope moms and crusty Pacific Northwest skateboarders.

And Lindsay Lohan who—ha!—has turned to kombucha in her quest to remain sober and out of jail. GT Dave even talked with Lilo about her kombucha habit, after a bunch of blogs speculated it might have set off her SCRAM. He told Mindbodygreen:

"We've actually had a dialog with Lindsay Lohan's people because of the recent speculation…The reality is that Lindsay has been drinking the product for over a year now. Her recent consumption is nothing new…

Does everything Lindsay Lohan touch turn to booze?