Astoundingly massive and omniscient consumer products corporation P&G knows that you, the consumer, are more worried about "bad hair days" than about war, recession, and workplace rape, combined. So P&G hair scientists are killing bad hair dead. With science!

The WSJ reports that P&G's omnipresent sensors indicate that gals are buying less Pantene these days. What's wrong, ladies? Tell P&G all about it. Maybe you hit hard times, were a little down in the ol' pocketbook, and sunk to buying Suave, that cheap swill? It's okay. You can come back now. That bad hair feeling has you down, doesn't it? Hiding your head? Wearing scarves to work? Adopting the burqa look, although you're a Presbyterian? Yea. Pantene, ladies. "Users of a new version of Pantene, one researcher concluded, 'reported more joy than those in the control group.'"

That's science. P&G is not just making that up. "Some 25% of women say they feel they don't want to leave the house on a bad hair day." Why be a shut-in? All of the things that surveys indicate you women love—shoes, cleaning products, P&G's more feminine flavors mouth rinse—are outside of your house. Don't let "bad hair" stop you. Try one of the four newly relaunched varieties of Pantene. Why? Well, let a real live research scientist tell you: "New-Pantene users gave especially high scores to four emotions-'excited,' 'proud,' 'interested' and 'attentive.'"

So ladies, get excited. Be proud of yourself—of your hair. Then the fellas will be interested in you, and maybe your ol' husband will be attentive for once, eh? Sounds nice, doesn't it? Try the New Pantene. Science demands it.

[WSJ. Pic via]