The Way We Live Now: puttering out. Winding down. Losing steam. The wind is leaving our sails, economically. We can't buy. We can't sell. We can't help you, you can't help us. Let's call the whole thing off.
We don't know how to break this to you, America, so we're just gonna come out and say it, by quoting a newspaper headline: Weak Housing Data Signal That Economy Is Losing Steam. And the jobs report will be dismal. And the stock market's down, and nobody's buying cars. And if you think that's good news, then brother, just keep on believing what you believe, and a pass a jug of that on over this way, because it must be some mighty good stuff, I'll tell you what.
You want a good economy? Go live in Lima. Yea, I didn't think so.
Of course, people are trying to deal with it all using good old-fashioned American ingenuity, whether that means earning some extra cash pet-sitting, or just stealing luxury cars. And we applaud them for that. But don't allow yourself to indulge in any illusions: there is no safety net. There is no more unemployment money, for the unemployed. Not only are we out of money—we don't even have a budget.
Unless you were kidnapped and held captive for 18 years by a sex offender. In that case, we'll give you $20 million. Sound good? Get to work.