Massive Washington Lobbying Firms Join Forces, Will Crush Everything

Shouldn't major corporate lobbyists be approaching a crisis of conscience soon? Never! Here's the latest, greatest news for the common man: two of Washington's biggest lobbying firms have joined forces, casting a dark shadow of Evil across the Capitol.

Patton Boggs, arguably Washington's most prestigious lobbying group, which earned a massive $41 million during last year's loaded legislative schedule, has acquired the Breaux Lott Leadership Group, the firm founded in 2008 by former Louisiana Sen. John Breaux and former Senate majority leader Trent Lott, the racist. Breaux Lott earned a cool $11 million last year, up 34 percent from 2008. How much did you make last year?

We wish we were exaggerating in the opening paragraph about the impending spread of permanent evil that will result from this scaled-up, indestructible lobbying duo of death. But read ol' Mr. Boggs himself describe the future in similarly scary (to us, at least) terms:

"The combined expertise of Patton Boggs and Breaux-Lott Leadership Group makes the firm a ‘mandatory first stop' for discerning corporate CEOs and general counsels facing complex problems that can be solved in the halls of Congress, the executive branch or the courtroom," said Thomas Hale Boggs Jr., chairman of Patton Boggs.

Thomas Hale Boggs Jr. is openly saying that corporate CEOs can just come to him and he'll get Congress or Obama or some judge to do whatever they want. Perhaps that's an over-read, but wouldn't a statement like this a few years ago maybe have said "problems that can be addressed with elected officials" instead of "problems that can be solved in the halls of Congress," like it's as easy as getting a mechanic to rotate your tires? You just take a ticket and wait in the lobby 15 minutes while Rep. X writes up the loophole you want?

All hail Washington Lobbyist Death Machine Co. Inc. LLP, America's "mandatory first stop." (They literally mandate corporate CEOs to come to them.)