Lindsay Lohan Got Punched In the Face at Her Birthday Party, and Other Sad NewsS

It's true. A waitress done up and punched her in the face. At least she's not Kristen Stewart, who fears her fans will kill her. Or at least she's not anyone else featured in this Friday gossip splooge.

Ohhhh no. Can nothing for Lindsay Lohan ever go right?? The ruined ferret was at a nightclub last night celebrating her birthday with her best friends Joyce and SCRAM bracelet, and a waitress PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE AREA. Just like that. Just someone's dinner roll all up in her grill, for no particular reason. Maybe the waitress had just paid some money to get I Know Who Killed Me on demand? Maybe Lindsay slept with her boyfriend back when her genitals hadn't healed shut? Maybe she was just a Prairie Home Companion purist and thinks Guy Noir should have been in the movie instead of La Lohan? All of these things are possible. But especially that last one. Most waitresses at nightclubs called Voyeur are big NPR fans. [TMZ]

Poor sad glowworm Kristen Stewart is worried that her overzealous fans might some day assassinate her. Of the red carpet she says "I look out there at a thousand people and I realize they could rush me and assassinate me. No security could protect me. Ostensibly they're fans, but I think about them turning on me." And girl, they will turn on you! They will turn on you so fast! If you don't pick Jacob Black to be your sex husband for all of muscly eternity. What's that? You have no control over that because you didn't write the books and the character you play in the books picks the skinnyvamp every time? Oh no. You're so dead. [Popeater]

This is very adorable. Joe Francis, the tight-faced creator of such beautiful wonderments as Girls Gone Wild and being the douche of the decade, is getting hitched! Well, actually, he's getting civilly joined. He and his ladyfriend, CBS entertainment reporter (OF COURSE she's an "entertainment reporter") Christina McLarty, won't actually get married because "we don't believe it's appropriate to be married until our gay and lesbian friends are afforded the same rights as us to legally marry in the United States." Joe Francis said that! Joe Francis cares about gay people, guys. This probably means we can look forward to some sort of Gays Gone Wild that's just the found footage after some twink sneaked a camera into the Black Party and then died from poppers. It's a scary movie! [P6]

Hey guys. I know you were curious, so I went and found you an answer. Jake Pavelka? You know, The Bachelor? Yeah, he's never going to pose for Playgirl. Nope. Just won't. Has come out and said it. Or rather his "rep" (HIS REP, he has "reps," someone named Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor has "reps") has come out and said "Jake is not doing Playgirl - never considered it, never will." Heyyy! What's with the attitude? A rep for someone from The Bachelor positioning their client as too above posing nude in a magazine for fame is like a serial killer's lawyer saying "How dare you?? My client would never rob a convenience store." All of these people are awful naked monsters already and they should all pose nude for magazines so we can see their demon cocks and die fiery, satisfied deaths. [Us]

:( Here's a sad one, ladies and germs. Everyone who's ever been loosely connected to Sandra Bullock is so obsessed with Sandra Bullock. A sad character named Janine Lindemulder, Bullock's ex Jesse James' ex-wife and mother of his daughter Sunny, is shown in court documents saying that her daughter likes Sandra Bullock more than she likes her own mom. Good heavens, America! One person in the family marries one international superstar and the whole arrangement goes outta whack. We need to get our priorities straight and our minds right, is what we need to do. Janine? Tell your daughter that Sandra Bullock is just a normal person. A normal person... who was in Speed and Hope Floats and oh my godddd she's better than ice cream and everything else everywhere!!!!! Love me Sandra, love me!!!! [TMZ]

Area talented person Kim Kardashian and her new football player beau Miles Austin sure have been spending a lot of time together! The pair was seen canoodling at STK in New York City and then later going to a hot nightclub called SL. A source at the scene ā€” ssshh, don't reveal our fabulous source!! ā€” told the newspapers "He's a pretty shy and low-key guy, so he's perfect for her." Oh absolutely. What Kim Kardashian wants is just a total non-flashy romance that no one pays attention to. Yep, that's Kim Kardashian in a nutshell. She's just low-profile the whole way. Canoodle away, Kim! And stay fabulous!! Hee hee! [P6]

Your dad is sad. He wishes he hadn't slept with all those ladies. Don't bother him during golf practice. [People]

Sorry Chelsea. Your girlfriends aren't going to be able to meet your cute, single guy friend. Al Gore is not going to the wedding. Neither is Tipper. It's just too much right now. It's an inconvenient... time to go to a wedding. There's not a better joke there! Is there? I certainly couldn't think of it. It's the Friday before the 4th of July and if any of you are reading this at this point, I salute you. Here. I give you one free invitation to Chelsea Clinton's wedding. Enjoy it! But remember: Al Gore won't be there so you can't sleep with him after plying him with delicious vodka tonics. No, you'll have to come up with a new plan. I hear Robert Reich is a total tomcat! [Gatecrasher]

Breaking: Matt Bomer is attractive. [Perez Hilton]

[Image: Splash]