Let's take a look back at the last week that America was 3234 years old.

The week started with a death. Complicated West Virginia senator Robert Byrd died at 92. Then Thurgood Marshall was exhumed and kicked in the balls, repeatedly. You know who else is dead? Edward Cullen from Twilight. Not sure what that shit is all about? Here, let us tell you.

Poor Apple. They had a rough week. They're gonna get sued (or maybe they already have been), their iPad computer book is helping your stalker, and everyone's mad that they are best friends with Jason Bateman. They deserve a vacation. But not one of these awful summer vacations. Something night. And the rest of us? Well, we'll just have to make New York bearable, because we're too broke for a vacation. Maybe we'll meet (or at least see) someone sexy on the L train!

Hey Canadians! Get the hella outta here. And take Jon Gosselin with you. Maybe take M. Night Shyamalan too. He just doesn't make good movies, does he? You know who probably does like his movies? Larry King. We'll miss you, Larry.

People are strange. They are either Russian spies or sex-crazed former Vice Presidents or precocious high school nerds. (If there's someone that's all three, we'd really like to meet them.) The one thing we all have in common is that we all love TV. Whether we're watching New Jersey devils or wistful workplace sitcoms, we just all enjoy television. And we're all watching it in enormous mansions, right? And when we're not watching TV? Well, we go to the movies.

Actually, let's go do that now. Have a beautiful and safe America's Birthday. Remember to call it on Sunday. You know how it gets around its birthday.

Adios, you cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sacks of monkey shit!

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