Did you watch the big Bachelor blowdown that aired during the The Bachelorette last night? Bitter exes Jake Pavelka and Vienna Sausages sat on a Loveseat of Awkwardness and dished about their nasty breakup. It was horrible.
Did you watch? Are you still alive? Was it not the worst, most hellish thing you've seen on this hellishly hot day? Jake & Vienna — who got engaged after Jake, who was on The Bachelorette, picked her on The Bachelor — are not new. There have been Jakes & Viennas for many years now. But there is something spectacularly mutated about them, something so pure and awful in their media ambition, that I think we need to, barring any calls for execution because that isn't proper, put them in jail for the rest of their lives to serve as a lesson to everyone else.
Look at Vienna. She's as blonde and as cow-eyed as any other Montagish young woman running around on the television. She's not special in any particular way, except that she's jumped so willingly into this gross muck and says things like "the world would want to know what happened' as an explanation for why she blabbed to Star magazine about the dissolution of her sham engagement. She's bad. She's bad like so many young people are bad these days. Lock her up in the tower because she's a bad cliche. And because she was willing to fake a relationship with Jake Pavelka.
Good lord is Jake Pavelka a creepy monster. He has that sharp jawline and those watery blue eyes and you just know that in his younger years, he was revered as a god. And you know how sometimes really good looking people, especially boys, can become so strange and mean and inward because of their looks? It's a bit like the darker side of that Jon Hamm joke on 30 Rock, that no one has ever told him he's an incompetent idiot simply because he's so dreamy to look at. Pavelka seems to have been left alone and never criticized and always lustily deferred to, so he's gotten to a point where he thinks that it's an impossibility — an unbreakable law of the universe — that he could ever be wrong. Jake Pavelka is handsome and robotically "charming," and he has rested on those laurels so long that they have withered and rotted and festered and everything about him is sour and strange and a little frightening. Also, I think he might be secretly gay. There is nothing wrong with him being gay! That doesn't make him creepy. But it does add another lie to the weird, weird pile.
Jake Pavelka is/was a commercial airline pilot, but really that doesn't matter. Mostly he wants to be an actor and a Famous Person. He wants it so desperately that it has turned him meaner than he already was. As you can see in the video of the interview, he's kind of insane. He's clearly a pathological liar and has no compunction about telling big, messy lies on national television, even when the object of the untruths is sitting there practically in tears from calling him on his bullshit. He just grins and nods his head and (not so) subtly gender bashes and he thinks this is all in the service of him becoming famous. Famous for what? What will he do to stay famous? Who knows. Anything, probably. But it's so fleeting, it always is. Does anyone still talk about Trista & Ryan? (Trista, did your Google Alert ears just perk up now? Hi!) No, no one really does. Jake Pavelka knows he's going nowhere, but he won't admit it. Because, again, Jake Pavelka is never wrong. So he's balled up his rage against a world that dares to tell him no and now he is what you see before you, a terrifying quiet monster who will, I suspect, someday murder someone. If he hasn't already! There could be a body buried somewhere. I think Jake Pavelka might be a serial killer or at least a potentially dangerous sociopath. There, I've said it. He goes past fame demon and becomes just regular demon.
So he should be in jail! They both should be in jail. These sorts of people should not be roaming the streets, inspiring others, ending up on magazine covers, giving interviews, being written about on blogs, doing anything. They should be in tiny separate cells where they can sit on stiff cots and reflect on what they've done to America for the rest of their natural lives. I am completely serious about this. Jake & Vienna should be put in jail until they die.