Lindsay Lohan Protests 'Inhuman' PunishmentS

Lindsay's "fuck u" manicure was "a joke," but her Cato Institute-quoting tweets aren't. New Mel Gibson tapes apparently show him telling Oksana she "deserved" physical abuse. Ryan Seacrest's beard commits—with sexy photos? Thursday gossip speaks truth to power.

  • Lindsay Lohan says that her courtroom "fuck u" manicure (which could land her in contempt of court, if Judge Marsha Revel gives a damn, which I'm pretty sure she doesn't) was "a joke": "It had nothing to do w/court.. it's an airbrush design from a stencil." But she is apparently telling her friends that Judge Revel is "a fucking bitch." Unlike the manicure, this is acceptable: Whereas you cannot use profanity in a courtroom, it is your god-given right as an American to trash-talk the judge, jury, prosecution, cops, bailiff—even your mother!—as soon as you step out of the courthouse and in the days preceding your prison sentence. It's in the Geneva Conventions. This is probably why LiLo's been tweeting about "inhuman" punishment, quoting Cato Institute libertarian Erik Luna, and comparing herself to an Iranian woman stoned to death. That, or she wants the stoned lady to pass the dutch, already, and is hoping this Erik Luna fellow can relay the message. [People, TMZ, image via Getty]

  • In other LiLo news, our human rights activist du jour faces a year of random drug tests following the completion of her jail sentence and 3-month inpatient rehab. All in all, LiLo will be under The Man's thumb until November 2011 or so. Apparently this is "typical" for someone with her level of drug and alcohol violations—and could be problematic of this report that she tampered with her alcohol-monitoring SCRAM ankle bracelet twice is true. LiLo "adamantly denies" it. [People, TMZ]

  • Ryan Seacrest and ballroom dancing country singer Julianne Hough's fake romance is heating up! They made out on Seacrest's yacht in Italy, and "sensational photos" of Julianne "wrapping her legs around" him are "making the rounds." Fake sex scandal: Now that's commitment. [P6]

  • After the terror of the first round of leaked Mel Gibson tapes—in which the hyper-religious star allegedly tells baby mama Oksana Grigorieva, "You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers, it will be your fault"—we are now being treated to a second: Apparently the new tape features Oksana saying, "What kind of a man is that who would hit a woman when she is holding a child in her hands, hitting her twice in the face?" and Mel responds, "You know what—you fucking deserved it." Mel's lawyers and publicist continue to avoid issuing a statement, which I'm inclined to think means the tapes are real. If they were fake, they'd deny it straight away, right? [Radar]

  • Ke$ha faces so many sexy photo scandals, I can't even keep track. There's the cumshot photo that Perez Hilton posted, plus a porno that might not even be her. Poor Ke&ha. The world doesn't care enough about you even to figure out if it's looking at you naked. [PerezHilton, GossipCop]

  • Party of Five star turned Celebrity Rehab flameout Jeremy London says his acting skills saved him during a harrowing kidnapping wherein his kidnappers forced him to that which he loves: Smoke crack. (His family thinks he made the kidnapping up in his head to excuse a bender.) "I was acting my wy through the whole thing, telling myself, 'Just play like you are one of them,'" he says. In other news, Jeremy London just checked into rehab. [People, Radar]

  • Zoe Saldana is becoming a Calvin Klein underwear model. A thousand Avatards begin to drool. [AccessHollywood]

  • Chelsea Clinton dropped by the Astor Place Starbucks yeterdays in "jogging clothes, drinking iced coffee and Smart Water, texting and talking on her BlackBerry about her upcoming wedding." How do we know she was texting about the wedding? Did someone read the text message? Why won't they tell us what it said?! "This is the closest Americans get to a royal wedding." The plebeians need to know what they're missing! [P6]

  • Jessica Simpson wants Katy Perry to help her revive her music career. This had better not be true. It's too sad. Didn't you get our memo, Jessica? Quit while you're ahead. Stick to the shoes and the jeans and all those behind-the-scenes jobs you have. The spotlight is no longer your friend. [ShowBizSpy]

  • Billy Baldwin and Chynna Phillips: Back together and all better? Chynna filed for divorce in March, then changed her mind, withdrew the papers, checked into rehab, checked out of rehab, and now she's hanging out in the Hamptons with Billy, again. Rich people: Even their marital discord is more glamorous than yours. [P6]