If you happened to turn the channel to CBS around 8:20pm tonight you may have seen thirteen grown men and women in bike shorts zip-lining across their backyard on giant, slippery hot dogs. That's right. Big Brother is back.
Chen-bot? Check. Requisite house-key "surprise" montage? Check. "Game-changing" twist? Double-Check. But first! For those of you unfamiliar with the greatest summer reality show of all-time, here's the low-down. Thirteen strangers are picked to live in TV studio, compete against one another and have their lives taped [literally, 24 hours a day], to find out what happens when people are cut off from the outside world and filmed picking their noses when they think no one's looking. In order to
—whoops! Wrong show. In order to win the $500,000 grand prize, contestants need a whole lot of brains.
And a whole lot of bod.
We're really into the bods.
THIS... is Big Brother 12. Here are your house guests:
So he's a podiatrist. Who's a Modern Orthodox Jew. Our money is that this guy crashes and burns before week 4, not because of his being very religious, but because he put aside his Hippocratic oath and ignored a fellow house guest when she fell six feet onto the ground injuring herself. Oy.
A little overzealous about her abilities in this game, the only thing we remember about Annie is that she's bi... and she does a solid Jersey accent. If her "seduction" of a female house guest doesn't get her ass booted out quick by the many middle-Americans in the house then we may just have a winner on our hands.
Brendon is a very, very hot swim coach. Who likes to brush his teeth in the dark. Either way he can give us mouth-to-mouth any time he wants. Did we mention he's hot?
We think she just got engaged or something, but after tonight she'll forever be known as the girl who fell off a flying hot dog on the first night. You know, the injury that the Jew ignored. Girls with this much air in their heads usually make it pretty far in BB, so don't count her out quite yet.
"I love Jersey, I love meatballs, and I love my mama!" Thank goodness Jersey Shore passed on this gem. You may think he's a long-shot, but we're Team Enzo FTW.
Like Brendon before him, Hayden comes to us from the great state of Arizona with nary a care in the world and a whole lot of abdominals. By winning Head of Household this week, Hayden may have just put himself on the eviction roster for Week 2. So ladies and gays, enjoy him while you can.
This season's requisite baby boomer is pretty! And she's a sheriff with a Southern twang! She's Kyra Sedgwick! Way to step outside the box there, producers! Kristina is convinced that she's the "saboteur"—this season's "game-changing" twist. Adrian thinks that makes Kristina just another Yankee trying to keep a good Southern woman down.
We don't really get her... but she seems... nice? Nice is boring. Next.
A good ol' boy from Decatur, TX, Lane seems like he's going to be the stealthy underbelly of the competition. Having no neck and speaking no more than three words this entire episode will do that to you. Did we mention that two of those words were "Decatur" and "Texas"?
This kid is going to be trouble. He's a self proclaimed genius. He belongs to Mensa. But he's got tattoos! So he's edgy? Well, as edgy as one can be when you're from the suburbs of Chicago.
Spoiled brat. Owns 90 bikinis. Great hair. Even greater one-liners about other people's boobs. But as the only minority in the house, we don't quite know how long she'll stick around.
Okay. This one is a head scratcher. First off, she's a TOTAL butterface, but when choosing between nose and boobs, she obviously went for the latter. That's not the confusing part of fake-ginger Rachel. No. It's the fact that she claims she's a chemist, yet refers to Andrew's yarmulke as a YOM KIPPUR. Despite his love of busty redheads—Hello, Joan Holloway—if she doesn't get evicted in the first week, Adrian swears he'll never watch this show again. Kristina knows he's lying.
Here is your token gay, from token gay West Hollywood, with his token gay bowtie. But he does have a PhD! Too bad it's in communications.
But enough of what we have to say, first impressions are better left up to the house guests themselves.
Remember to tune in Sunday for nominations and Tuesday night for the Power of Veto competition, all leading up to next Thursday's live eviction when we'll be back with a roundup of the week's hook-ups, breakdowns, and everything in between. And if we're really lucky, some night-vision sex.