Katy Perry and Russell Brand: Compulsive Wedding Rumor-Mongers

To keep up with all the rumors they're starting, Katy and Russell will need one thousand and one nights of non-stop ceremonies. Cops investigate Mel Gibson. Elle MacPherson is sorry she ate an endangered animal. TGIFriday gossip.

  • How many rumored weddings can Katy Perry and Russell Brand have? They're marrying in Maui in late October. No, they're already married, with a secret shotgun elopement. They're getting married in matching latex suits. They're getting married in Galliano couture. They're wearing saris designed by Zuhair Murad. It'll be a small, humble wedding. It'll be a week-long international extravaganza. Everyone will be topless. Everyone will wear traditional Indian garb. Rihanna will be the maid-of-honor. Obviously, they're just making stuff up at this point, the Scherherzade of wedding rumors. Quoth Katy: "I love this chaotic circus of wrong information, because it is not really anyone else's business beside that people we have invited and us, of course." The ultimate punchline would be if they broke the engagement and the wedding never happened, but that's a little spiteful, so let's cross our fingers for "quiet ceremony followed by long honeymoon of radio silence." [P6, image via Splash]

  • Why did lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley ditch her job with Lindsay Lohan? Maybe because Lindsay Lohan announced, "I'm not going to jail!" which isn't really possible at this point. Apparently Holley "threw in the towel" at that point, and the new lawyer (who passed the bar in November) has been ordered to appeal LiLo's jail sentence. [TMZ]

  • Supermodel Elle MacPherson is sorry for eating an endangered animal, the crushed horn of a rhinoceros. [Telegraph]

  • Is Megan Fox marrying Brian Austin Green because she's pregnant? "It's being whispered," and someone saw Brian touch Megan's stomach once, or something. Good thing Megan's rep says the rumor's "not true," or Maxim would be of business for nine months. An economy of objectification rests on your flat abs, Megan. [Celebitchy, GossipCop]

  • The L.A. County Sheriff is investigating Mel Gibson for domestic abuse. Now that evidence has emerged publicly that Gibson beat baby mama Oksana Grigorieva (and said "you fucking deserved it" and "I will bury you in the rose garden" in taped phone calls) the police don't even need Oksana's cooperation to investigate. A Sheriff spokesman said "We're in the process of verifying, verifying, verifying." No charges have been filed. [AP]

  • LeAnn Rimes quit Twitter in a huff after everyone made fun of her for straddling her boyfriend before the prying lens of the paparazzi. "Since when is kissing your boyfriend a crime?! Who's right was it to take pics of us in a private moment and display them for judgement?!" she tweeted. Two days later, she announced she was quitting Twitter "to focus on her healing." [Celebitchy]

  • To hide her wedding from the prying eyes of the paparazzi, Carrie Underwood isn't even telling the guests at her wedding where it's being held. They're to arrive at the airport of an unknown-to-us southern city, "from which they'll be ferried to the site by private jet or limos," Page Six reports. They'll have bags over their heads and gags in their mouths, and will made to become blood brothers and have the crest of Celebsecrecy stamped on their asses with a fiery brand, my imagination reports. Apparently the cloak-and-dagger routine isn't to protect Carrie's privacy—it's just that she's selling exclusive wedding pics to some wedding magazine, so it's more like a trade secret or something. [P6]

  • Ben Affleck suffered an acute migraine at the World Series of Poker's "Ante Up for Africa" tournament, and had to pull out. Shannon Elizabeth continued to defy her airhead actress image by being a massive, hardassed card shark, winning $80,000 and ranking second only to professional poker player Phil Gordon, who won $129,086 and gave it all to charity. [P6]

  • Germany's World Cup match distracted Justin Timberlake from acting in Gawker's favorite movie Friends with Benefits. Now if his scene with Mila Kunis sucks, we'll know why. [P6]

  • Cristiano Ronaldo went out to dinner in Manhattan and someone screamed, "Oh my God, it's The SItuation!" Unfortunately, Jersey Shore tends to be lost in translation, so Cristiano probably didn't know how pissed he should have been him. [P6]

  • "Lady Gaga Rekindles Romance with Ex-Boyfriend": Musician bartender Luc Carl is back on the Gaga-train, and the Lady of Gah is writing a new song about them, called "You and I." Sample lyric: "It's been a long time but I'm back in town / But this time I'm not leaving with you." At moments like this, we are reminded that Gaga is actually a 24-year-old named Stefani. [People]

  • Melissa Etheridge ex Tammy Lynn Michaels is filing for custody of their twins. Tammy carried them to term with an anonymous sperm donor. [TMZ]