Children and Gays Will Someday Rule the World

This weekend was a big boffo one, that saw the continued takeover of the children, the continued power of Twilight, and the continued progress of the gay marriage movement. Come, let's take a closer look.

1) Despicable Me — $60.1M
Are you sensing the same thing I'm sensing? Are children trying to take over the world or something? Is this some kind of Children of the Corn/House Arrest/Kid Nation shit going on here? Every movie that does well these days is a kids movie. It's almost like these little ragamuffins think that one day they're going to have all the power, as if they stand to inherit the keys to the kingdom when we one day... Well, whatever happens after you're old. I think they take you to Atlantis or something. The lost city, not the Bahamanian resort. Anyway. Someone should really tell these overly ambitious kids that they are only ever going to be kids because the world does not march forward and old people will always be old and I will always be [redacted] years old, and that's just the way the planet works. Stupid kids. Kids are jerks. Down with kids!

2) The Twilight Saga: Jacob Have I Loved, Just Not As Much As Edward — $33.4M
As Bella drove her red pickup truck to school, she felt confused. She furrowed her brow and bit her lip. Could this really be? Could there be a third contender for her heart? She maneuvered the winding roads of Forks and thought about the day before. When she'd opened the door and found it standing there. Gleaming and glistening, rippling with promise and potential, crisp and firm. "Hello Bella, I am 237 million dollars. And after only two weeks of knowing you, I am yours." Bella felt hot in her chest. "I— I—" The 237 million dollars put its hand to her face, ran a thumb along her jawline. "Sshh, sshh. It's OK. It's meant to be." Bella turned her eyes to the floor. She felt so conflicted. She loved Edward. She cared so deeply for Jacob. And yet... The 237 million dollars was so beautiful. So green and perfect. Bella was so swept up in this recent memory while driving to school, that she did not notice what was in front of her. Jacob and Edward were getting into another fight, in the middle of the road. She plowed into them at high speeds and her truck rolled and tumbled down an embankment and slammed into a cedar tree, bursting into flames, a huge fireball that could be seen all the way from school.

3) Predators — $25.3M
This segment of the BBC/Discovery Channel nature series Life was so popular in its initial airing last winter that the producers decided to give it a theatrical release. And it's a good thing they did! The documentary performed well above expectations and is not terribly far from earning back its budget. Did you guys see the show when it was on last year? Oh man, it was so fascinating. There's this one part with this lynx or puma or something in Israel chasing a baby ibex on these really steep slopes. So cool. And there's one with like dolphins using teamwork and misdirection while hunting that's completely mesmerizing. But probably the best segment involves predator monsters hunting their natural prey, the adrienbrody. Adrienbrodies are these small, kind of wiry creatures that live in jungles. The predator monsters have all these fascinatingly elaborate ways of catching the adrienbrodies that are just like... You think, "These are animals?" It's so amazing. I mean, I don't think I'd want to meet one up close! But you could say the same thing about the puma, y'know? Anyway, if you missed it on TV last year, go see it in the movies. I bet it's great on the big screen.

5) The Last Airbender — $17M
Dropping 57% from its debut weekend, this $150m film has now grossed $100m. Basically we'll have to see how it does internationally before we can really say for sure whether M. Night Shyamalan will get his (and our) dream and be given the keys to the studio money closet to make a sequel. The sequel would be called The Last Airbender 2: The Quest to Make More Airbenders, and it's mostly a lurid soft core thing about the Airbender trying to get frisky with as many laydays as possible in the hopes of there being more Airbenders later. Because you can't be the last one forever, you know? You gotta leave a legacy behind. Those Firebenders and Earthbenders are multiplying like rabbits, so why not the Airbenders? You blame one fart on Airbending and all of a sudden your whole race is a joke, hunted to the ends of the Earth to near extinction. It just doesn't seem fair. So you go, Airbender. You get down to the babymaking. You deserve it.

13) The Kids Are All Right — $505k ($72,143 per screen)
Suck it, Maggie Gallagher. Suck it hard.