Drink Enough Milk or Die

Cholesterol kids! Weight loss drugs! Glucosamine failure! Skin cancer diversity! Proper sneeze coverage! And your daily milk needs, revealed! It's your Monday Health Watch column, where we watch your health: with supplemental protein!

  • Now doctors say that guidelines for high cholesterol don't capture a lot of kids who actually do have high cholesterol. Well, kids haven't done much with their lives yet, so high cholesterol is something they can hang their hat on. Why take that away from them?
  • Qnexa(!), an experimental new weight loss drug, takes a big step towards possible approval when the FDA has an expert panel review it this week. Qnexa works by sewing your mouth shut from the inside with tiny robots, then flying off your fat cells one by one to a distant galaxy. (I'm guessing).
  • Lots of people take glucosamine for joint pain, but guess what: it doesn't do shit. Try morphine.
  • Hey, don't get it mixed up: skin cancer does strikes people of color. Just like the LAPD! Hey-o! Not humorous in the least.
  • A new study says that few people "correctly cover" their coughs and sneezes. Are you disgusted by that, Mr. and Mrs. Snooty health persons? If you're not covering your coughs and sneezes with 2 Live Crew turned way the hell up, you're not covering them correctly.
  • According to this story, so-called "experts" can't agree on how much milk you should drink in a day. Fools. You should drink one gallon of milk per day, supplemented with

    Drink Enough Milk or Die


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