It's summer! Everyone is having barbecues, weddings, and other soundtrack-mandatory gatherings. When you reach into your iTunes library to cue up a get-the-party-started tune, don't you dare pull up one of these jams, or we just might kill you.
There is nothing to set the mood like music, and since it's summer time, your mix better be heavy on the happy, high-energy songs that will get everyone dancing and having a good time. The problem is most amateur DJs rely on a pack of "party songs" that are deserving of a bullet more than they are a boogie. And if it's not your friends playing a few bad tracks at a picnic, you'll go to a baseball game or your trashy cousin's wedding in New Jersey (or some equally awful place) this summer and you'll end up suffering through four minutes of one of these other gems. No matter how old they are or how hip you get, you just can't avoid them. Please stop the music!
Don't get me wrong, some of the classics are great (I could listen to "Love Shack" a million times over) but here are 10 of the worst offenders that crappy music providers think will whip the crowd into a frenzy, but will actually turn them into an angry mob.
"Groove Is in the Heart"—Dee-Light: This song is 20 years old and still refuses to die. If I have to endure this one more time, I am going to get into a time machine and go back in time to stop it from ever happening. Speaking of time machines, the worst part about this is that it's now retro to listen to this 1990 song which was a retro '70s track when it came out. It's like waves and waves of nostalgia that feel like aural sea sickness.
"Who Let the Dogs Out"—Baja Men: I don't know that I have ever listened to this entire song, but the initial barking refrain has been used by every bar mitzvah DJ, stadium organ grinder, and talk show warm-up comedian to gin up manufactured enthusiasm for the past 10+ years. This dog needs to be sent to a farm upstate—pronto.
"Shots"—LMFAO: I'll admit, the beat is enough to make me want to do a little shimmy when I hear it in the club, but as soon as it gets to the part with Li'l Jon and company shouting, "shots shots shots shots shots," I just want to find the nearest fat frat boy holding aloft a bottle of Jaegermeister, douse him with the bottle, and set him on fire. This is the song your grandfather was worried about when he used to bitch about "that rap music."
"What's Up?"—4 Non Blondes: This is only a get-a-party-started song if you hang out with drunk lesbians or do a lot of karaoke, but you know there are people holding Corona long-necks with their arms around each others shoulders singing, "And I said Heyyyyyy-ayyyyyy-ayyyy-yayyy-yay. Heyyyyyy-ayyyyyy-yay. I said Hey!" right this very moment. And that's the problem. The shouty chorus is enough to get lodged in your head as it is, but when it's being eviscerated by 10 drunk people at the top of their lungs, it's enough to puncture an eardrum.
"We Like to Party"—Venga Boys: The horrible synthesizer beat from this song was already the audio equivalent of a saccharine tumor, but then Six Flags had to go and make it worse by using this song in its ad campaign with a scary old man dancing. Now it doesn't just give you cancer, but post-traumatic stress disorder flashbacks, too.
Anything by the Black Eyed Peas: The most virulent offenders are, of course, "I Got a Feeling" (no, sorry, not interested in having a good night with you) and "Let's Get It Started" (sorry, I don't think being "retarded" in here is a good idea) but really, just leave all the B.E.P. songs off of your party playlist. Then again, if you're the kind of person who would play any of their songs at a party, I probably already pressed "Will Not Attend" on your Facebook invite.
"Jump Around"—House of Pain: This isn't the worst song in the world, but it's that initial screeching caterwaul of a note that sends me into physical pain each time I hear it. It's like some sort of dog whistle for people with good taste or something. Also, please don't jump around, especially when drunk. That's how toes get broken.
"Macarena" by Los del Rio: If you make me listen to this incessantly catchy ditty, I will cut off your ear. If you make me do the dance, I will cut off the other one.
"The Thong Song" by Sisqo: I hate to object to a song based only on the lyrics because there are some great songs with some really stupid messages, but "The Thong Song" is just an abomination to all that is holy. It will never make my "booty go da na da na," whatever the hell that means. It actually makes me want to put on a pair of granny panties, clutch my pearls, and say, "Well, I never!"
"Tubthumper" by Chumbawumba: Remember that horrible moment in 1997 when every time you turned on the radio, no matter what station, you had to hear the frenetic push and pull of this pub song on acid? God, that shit was torture. Also, anyone who still thinks this is a good song is probably some sort of Russian spy and should be preemptively deported.