Massive Business Lobbies Launch Full Assault on ObamaS

All those recent murmurs coming from whiny executives about Obama hating American business have culminated today in a vicious, three-pronged assault from the nation's largest business lobbies. They don't understand: why isn't Obama cutting all taxes and privatizing everything?

The three lobbies — the Chamber of Commerce, National Federation of Independent Business, and Business Roundtable — are huddling in the Chamber's offices today to bitch about Barack Obama and demand that he stop hating American business, which they truly believe he does.

The Chamber, representing businesses large and small, is the most powerful and well-funded of the three — last year, for the first time ever, they spent more than the RNC and DNC combined — so they had first dibs on writing the necessary spittle-flying "open letter" to Obama, which is a hoot.

The Chamber's four-page letter offers a variety of suggestions for job creation, though it doesn't appear that they flipped past the first few pages of the free-market playbook when brainstorming the proposal. The ideas include deregulation of business, tax cuts for the wealthy, free trade agreements, a reduced corporate income tax, expanded offshore drilling and logging in national forests and the privatization of waterways and roads.

Specifically, the Chamber urges the president to extend Bush-era tax cuts in full and provide tax breaks for companies that move jobs overseas.

The Chamber simultaneously calls for a reduction in the deficit — a gap caused largely by the tax cuts the Chamber wants extended, which are projected to add $3.4 trillion to the debt between 2009 and 2019.

END ALL LAWS!

The Chamber's letter also whines about how Obama has "vilified" certain industries over the last year, which has scared all companies from ever doing business in America again. As though corporations base these massive decisions on Obama pep-rally stump speech highlight clips they catch glances of on cable news. "Wow, that Obama sure sounds mean when he talks about how BP and Wall Street banks fucked up," the corporation says. "Let's just ignore America completely. They are mean to Business. They won't even let us privatize their roads. What is that? What is that?"

Can't beat 'em.

[Image via Shutterstock.com]