Everything You Do Is Messing Up Your Kids

Despite the proven fact that parenting=misery, adults—parents and otherwise—really love children. That was their first mistake. Next thing you know kids are spending your money and getting tattoos and failing school and blaming you.

  • Yoga for babies. Fucking bullshit, or what? The WSJ investigates: "To start off, our baby and the other child participant were led through a series of animal postures by the friendly teacher. The kids squatted like a frog and made croaking sounds. They lay on their stomachs and reared their heads to hiss like a snake, and made cat and cow noises as they were directed into those positions. Every exercise worked a body part, like the legs, shoulders or back, in a fun way." Yea, fucking bullshit.
  • It's not enough that you provide your unemployed child with clothes so that they might survive the winter; now, those clothes must be "hip." Retailers like American Eagle and Aeropostale are now selling clothes for babies and toddlers, because parents have learned that if your one year-old is not sporting a god damn eagle on his vomit-stained shirt, other parents, equally insecure, will laugh at you. Corporate America will use this dynamic effectively. Don't you worry.
    American Eagle is not even "hip," anyhow.
  • Is your child doing poorly in school? It's probably because you have the wrong "family type." Kids who do well in school have the "Cosby" family type, whereas your kids have the "drunken asshole dad" family type.
  • Or, it's always a possibility your child is doing poorly in school because his teacher is writing blog posts about how she totally wants to sex him up.
  • Family uproar! A parent writes to syndicated advice columnist "Ask Amy" to "ask Amy" what she and her husband should do about this: "Our kids (19-year-old boy and 21-year-old girl) announced last night that they had gotten tattoos." Did they get each other's names tattooed, inside hearts? Because that could mean they're fucking, and that's really bad. But this mom has other perils in mind: "In a few years when the ink starts to bleed, they may woefully regret what they did." What are you even talking about lady. Kids rule!
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