Tonight on Big Brother, someone gets evicted, we find out the saboteur's identity, and Julie Chen dazzles us with her robotic demeanor and weird blue dress. BUT FIRST! Let us get you up to speed on what happened this week.

Big Brother, Week 1: Up-tight Citizens BrigadeS

When we last saw our beloved Big Brother house guests, Julie Chen had announced that one of their ranks was actually a saboteur!, leaving everyone in the house anxious about which of the other eleven people who they already knew they couldn't trust... well... is even that much more untrustworthy! All fingers first pointed to secret-doctor-and-super-Jew Andrew, who had taken himself out of the Head of Household competition—allowing him free passage into week 2—and had played pranks on the other house guests when the power was turned off by the saboteur. Because lying behind the couch trying to scare everyone in complete darkness is a great idea. Brendon, the uber-sexy swim high school coach quickly became suspect number two when he inexplicably decided to fumble his way in the dark to find his toothbrush. Meanwhile, his housemates counted heads to see who was missing while the saboteur used the power outage to lock them out of their food/supply closet.

"Slop for a whole week! Oh No's!" they cried out. "It isn't even kosher!" warned Andrew. Sadly, no one else cared about that one.

During the Have/Have-Not competition, Hayden donned a Tooth Fairy suit while the other house guests were forced to crawl through a pit of gooey caramel that bordered on concrete. Most of the them made it through with minimal issues—Brendan's pants fell down exposing him to the harsh realities of the FCC's blurriness. Not really an issue, more of a treat—except for Kathy who was drowning and stuck like those poor pelicans in the Gulf spill. She just lay there, sinking in the caramel, complaining that she couldn't rip herself out of the goop. C'mon Kathy, we know you're the oldest contestant, but you're not that old. You're in your 40's. You can still move. This little stunt (something Kristina thinks is a *cough* sabotage *cough*) cost herself, Matt, Ragan and Rachel the luxuries of the house for the week. And they had to stay in the "Have Not" room with a giant plastic shark and jars full of living maggots. Charming.

Then came the budding showmance between cocktail waitress/chemistry aficionado Rachel, her ample bosom, and Brendon and his abdominals. Side note: We swear, if we weren't already such huge dorks about this show, we could easily come up with so many other band names based on these people. Tickets to see Total Monet, anyone?

But we digress. While Rachel and Brendon were busy making oogly-eyes of love at one another over some scintillating conversation about the periodic table or something, Hayden—this week's Head of Household and Brendon's abs of steel rival—began making moves of his own by forming an alliance with Lane the rancher, Matt the Mensa member, and Enzo who will henceforth be known by his alliance nickname "Meow Meow." He also nominated the two lovebirds for eviction, obvs, saying Brendon had targeted himself with his penchant for oral hygiene in the dark, and Rachel because she hadn't made an effort to get to know him.

The couple was understandably upset to be stuck on the block against each other, but what did they expect? This is Big Brother 101: create an obvious alliance in the first week, and you're guaranteed to be out. Too bad no one else in the house seems to understand this—as tonight's eviction made painfully clear, but more on that later.

Before the house got together for the Power of Veto competition, Enzo Meow Meow caught up with Annie, Rachel, and Brendon while they tried to figure out who the puppet master was behind Hayden's nominations. After their chat, Meow Meow thought that floater Annie might be an even bigger threat to the Brigade than either of the showmancers. If he needed any proof of this, he need not look any further than the moment when Brendon treated America to the first set of man tears and make-out session of the season!

Yeahhh. You like that?

And then there was the Veto competition. Big Brother gave the six house guests competing for the POV piñatas full of rotten mayonnaise and letters. Whoever spelled the longest word in 10 minutes with their letters would win the POV. Brendon won himself the Veto with the word "understanding," giving himself an automatic trip off the eviction block and allowing Meow Meow's plan to replace him with Annie go full-speed ahead.

Blah blah blah, scheming, blah blah blah, campaigning, OH SNAP! The Saboteur is back! And he/she dropped a bomb: Two of the house guests are lifelong friends. Sadly, the only exciting part of this development was when Andrew told the world he thought Ragan and Matt were secret gay lovers. Right.

Are you still with us? Good, because this all leads up to the live show, where we learned several important things:

  • Enzo wants nothing to do with his ex-girlfriends.
  • America agreed with Kristina and voted for Kathy as their pick for Most Likely to be the Saboteur (But they were wrong, Kristina was wrong, and Adrian is gloating).
  • Annie was the actual saboteur!

...But then she got voted off, even after giving an impassioned speech prior to the live vote about how keeping Rachel in the house instead of her would mean doom for everyone except Brendon. DOOM!! But the house guests scoffed at her prediction, booted her, and then cheered when she walked out the door. Then came the Head of Household competition, which ended with a three-way tie between Monet, Rachel, and Britney all vying for the win. We'll give you one guess as to who won. (Hint: Annie is still at this moment screaming "I TOLD YOU SO" to the TV screens inside the Big Brother studios.)

So there you have it. Week 1 is done, Rachel is your new Head of Household and no one except Brendon is safe. Tune in Sunday to see who will be put up on the chopping block, and Wednesday for the next Power of Veto competition. Then don't forget to come back here for our take on Week 2. Will anyone else cry (Brendon, we're looking at you)? What will happen to the house now that the Saboteur has been eliminated? And what hideous dress will Julie Chen wear next?

[photo via cbs.com]
[Big Brother]