The President's Guide to Vacationing in Maine

The first family is going to Maine! President Obama, the first lady, and Malia and Sasha are flying in on Friday to spend the weekend on Mount Desert Island. But what will they do? We have recommendations!

Mount Desert Island, which is about three hours northeast of Portland, is home to Acadia National Park. President Taft vacationed on the island in 1910. But back then, there was a lot to do, like watch people's boats capsize from the deck of your yacht:

According to newspaper accounts, two Native Americans interested in a close-up view of Taft's boat had to be rescued when their canoe flipped over. The President watched the drama from the deck.

Obama has some options—according to the New York Daily News, 46-year-old newsstand owner Terry McGrath has invited him over for a beer—but since I used to go up to Mount Desert Island every summer when I was a kid, I think I can help him out a little bit. Without further ado, the Official Presidential Guide to a Mount Desert Island Vacation:

Bar Harbor: Bar Harbor is the main town on Mount Desert Island. It is unbearable. Whatever you do, spend as little time here as possible. It is fun to say in a Maine accent, though. Bah Hahbah. Hahbah.

Park Loop Road: This is a road that goes all the way around the park, and is amazingly pretty. It makes you feel like you're in a car ad. Maybe get Michelle to say "zero per cent down" or "five J.D. Powers and Associates awards" to really get that effect.

Cadillac Mountain: This is the tallest mountain on Mount Desert Island. You can be the first person on the east coast to see the sunrise! If you want to get up at 3 a.m. I guess it's named after the car. You can just drive up to the top, so don't waste your time hiking or anything. I think there's a gift store up there too, if you get bored.

Jordan Pond: This is a lake. There's a restaurant right next to it, but it's in the National Park, so I think you technically own it, and can probably get away without paying. Make sure you remind the waiters that you're their boss. Order the popovers, which are delicious.

Somes Sound: This is the only fjord on the east coast! It's really, insanely beautiful for about ten minutes and then you're just sort of like, "Is this really all that a fjord is?" (Yes.)

Hiking: Ask yourself: Is hiking ever actually worth it? The answer is: No.

Lobsters: So weird looking! They are actually undersea creatures and not huge insects. The key here is butter.

Mosquitoes: Oh, man, there are like millions of these. You are going to be so itchy, Mr. President! Maybe buy one of those candles. Or get a secret service guy to do it.

The License Plate Game: This is an essential way to pass the time. See if you can spot all 50 states before you leave. U-Haul trucks don't count!