New York City has long been refreshingly free of elderly people, thanks to a "go-go" pace that guarantees they will be mugged at least twice per year. Now, however, NYC olds are demanding preposterous concessions from the rest of us.
Perhaps you moved to New York because of its youth, energy, and vitality? Fuck you. The NYT reports that old people—who doctors say are often afflicted with crankiness—are now demanding that The City That Never Sleeps cater to their old, creaky needs, enabling them to do things like cross streets safely and be able to move about the city freely, rights formerly reserved for the young and able-bodied. Worse, instead of focusing on the rights of the young and the well-off to do what the fuck we want to do, city leaders are holding farcical "focus groups" with old people, and taking seriously their outrageous demands for special treatment:
What [old] people say they want most of all is to live in a neighborly place where it is safe to cross the street and where the corner drugstore will give them a drink of water and let them use the bathroom.
This ain't Celebration, Florida, grandma. Your neighbors hate you, cabs will hit you, water bottles are a buck fifty. Pee in your Depends. Then toss 'em in a young person's face. That's the spirit!