In a bid to reassert itself as the dominant force in American life, Capitalism today announced that it plans to immediately counteract the coolness of the legalization of medical marijuana by poisoning it with the awfulness of factory farming.
"Hippies and other anticapitalist types had been acting pretty happy about the slow but inevitable decriminalization of marijuana," Capitalism said. "As weed entered the legal world, I saw a great opportunity to snatch some revenue from growers who've been operating in the black market for decades."
Capitalism's tool in its nefarious and unstoppable plan is California businessman Jay Wilcox, who is taking advantage of Oakland's liberalization of marijuana laws to fuck every longtime hippie grower right in the ass. According to the LAT:
Jeff Wilcox, who owned a successful construction firm and has already incorporated as AgraMed, hopes to convert his empty industrial buildings near Interstate 880 into an enormous production facility. He plans to manufacture growing equipment, bake marijuana edibles in a 10,000-square-foot kitchen and use two football fields of space to grow about 58 pounds of marijuana every day, many times the amount now sold in Oakland.
"Fifty eight pounds of chronic per day, totally legal, totally corporate, in my own fully-controlled factory," mused Capitalism, lighting up a machine-rolled joint with a golden Zippo. "Try to undersell that with your ten hydro plants from your closet, hippie. You'll be out of business in a month. This is the fucking Wal-Mart of weed. It'll be beautiful."
"We have guns, too," the economic system added.