If Only Freedom Food Could Save Us Now

The Way We Live Now: with uncertainty. The only thing we know is that we don't know what we may or may not know. Who knows? Maybe this thing will blow over. In the meantime, you're fired. (And evicted).

Ben Bernanke, our hallowed leader, has this to say about our current situation: "the economic outlook remains unusually uncertain." OH? It could take "a significant amount of time" before all you millions of unemployed people are back to work. HMM.

And that is from the most informed person. You're looking for answers? Keep looking. Here's the only thing you can take to the bank: the housing market is crap. Run out and make lots of money off that, yea, good luck, too late cause everybody already knew that, even Ben Dumb Bernanke, as well as all the newly homeless folks.

Don't go believing that this is just an "American problem" that can be solved by renaming various food dishes "Freedom [name of dish]." It's not. Japanese companies are fleeing the country. Greece can't afford its own trains. Britain is slashing budgets every which way. Eat all the Freedom sushi and Freedom souvlaki and Freedom bangers and mash you like, the facts aren't changing, they're staying the same, trust me.

You might as well just liquidate what you can, wrap yourself in the flag, throw a dozen hot dogs and four pounds of beef jerky in your satchel, and spend the next two weeks in your half-million dollar Hamptons summer rental, trying to get laid. When you reveal that you possess food, your chances are favorable. That's the bright side!