Angelina Jolie Flattens Nicolas Cage in Weekend Dream Melee

While your dreams still won out, Angelina and her band of merry guns came in a close second. Let's take a look at this most recent non-holiday summer weekend.

1) Inception — $43.5M
I'm allowed to like Inception, right? This isn't one of those movies like Garden State where I'll get shot in the face for saying I like, right? (I have since cooled considerably on that movie.) Is it OK to think that people who hated this movie are kind of being pointless contrarians? (I'm looking in your direction, Edelstein.) Because I really liked it, plot holes and dead-end corridors be damned, and I think there was enough in the movie for everyone and that anyone who outright hated it either A) just wanted to hate it from the get-go or B) expects wayyy too much from a summer blockbuster entertainment movie. Remember guys: this isn't some David Fincher autumn mind-bender like The Game or something. This is July popcornery. And for July popcornery, this is a pretty darn good movie! Especially the music. The music was so loud and booming and good. And who can forget Joseph Gordon Levitt's zero-gravity sex scene? It was a sex scene, right? Or was that just a dream I had. I can't tell! Oh my god...

2) Salt — $36.5M
Angelika Jorlemon is an action star! Well, we knew this already, but this further proves it. How? Well, because this isn't based on a popular video game series, it doesn't costar toasty sex lion Brad Pitt, and she doesn't play second-fiddle to an assassin origin story like she did in Wanted. Here she is the sole focus of an original story. And she sold many tickets! Good for her. You know, you don't hear a lot about Angela Jorfin. Who is she dating? Where does she live? Does she have any kids? For someone who we know so little about, we do like to go see her in the moving pictures. Maybe it's because she's not some over-exposed Barbara Hershey or Laura Dern — people so written about and scrutinized that when their movies come out we don't see them because we already know everything about them. That's probably what we find refreshing in Agmar Jenkins. She's a cipher, a mystery calling to us out of the dark.

4) The Sorcerer's Apprentice — $9.7M
Hey, can you come into our office for a second? Great, hi, thanks. So, listen... We've been crunching the numbers here and though you're doing a great, great job... It just seems like we're going to be unable to offer you a position once your apprenticeship has ended. We think you'll make a great sorcerer and we'd love to have you aboard here at Nicolas Cage's FaceMagic™, but receipts aren't as high as we'd hoped this summer, and we have that big $150m overhead to worry about, and we've only earned about $42m so far this quarter. It's just a tough economy, kid. Even for us sorcerers. Can we make magic money appear out of nowhere with our sorcerer magic? Of course we can. But that's not doing it the honest, American way. We don't do that here at Nicolas Cage's FaceMagic™. We'd be happy to give you a great reference to go work somewhere else, because we think you're quite capable. But even that is hard. Nicole Kidman's WrinkleSpell™ shut down a few years ago. If you want to go a little boutique, there's Fairuza Balk's MouthMojo™, though they don't do much these days. Obviously we'd send you over to Harry 'n' the Gang's BritishBlessings™, they've been doing gangbusters for years, but there's a whole working papers/visa thing that's pretty impenetrable, even for accomplished sorcerers. So we understand if you don't want to finish out the apprenticeship, just know how sorry we are. We thought this was going to work out. We really, really did.

6) Ramona & Beezus — $8M
Hm. Some are calling this a failure. Movie only cost $15m, so I don't really know about that. Plus, eight million in tickets is a lot of tickets. That's 800,000 people who saw this movie and thus will think that Ramona Quimby is some sparkplug asshole with dreamfantasy CGI worlds in her head and a Selena Gomez monster for a sister. When that is not at all who Ramona Quimby is! Ramona has scraggly hair and funny hand-me-down pants and a nice, normal sister, and wants to go rollerskating but can't because it's rainy, and has a cat named Picky-picky and sometimes she and her dad talk about Mt. Hood and funny things happen and Ramona Quimby is great and cute and wonderful. She is not this horrid piece of moderned-up, fried, pandering garbage. I wish I could tell all those 800,000 people not to believe it! Not to believe this terrible lie. Go read Ramona the Pest, you 800,000 people, and tell me if that's anything remotely like this Disney Channel Original piece of shit movie.

11) The Kids Are All Right — 2.6M, up 148%, $13,174 per screen average
Hey Maggie, are you getting tired of sucking it? Well, I'm sorry, you are going to have to suck it some more, you hateful harpy blob. It's just how the tide's going.