Bedbugs Really Are Taking Over the CountryS

We've long feared it, and now the national news media is confirming it. Bedbugs truly are going to be the modern-day plague that o'erwhelms us all. National infestations are growing rapidly and you know who's to blame? The children.

Reports of bedbug infestations across the country are up 57% in the last five years, and it's all because our children are little whiny babies. Take the case of Ohio, for example:

Earlier this year, the Environmental Protection Agency denied a request by the state of Ohio to kill bed bugs with propoxur, an agricultural and industrial pesticide, citing risks of exposure to children. There were about 4,000 reports of bed bugs in Ohio in 2009, up from zero just a few years ago.

Those goddamn pinko tree huggers and their liver-lipped, weakling children! Used to be a good red-blooded American boy would drink a glass of propoxur every morning and say "Thank you Mom, may I have another!" Now it's all this sissy stuff. You cause a little damage to a few nervous systems and all of a sudden it's let's just sit back and watch those illegal immigrant bedbugs come right on in!

So what is there to do? Well, other than attend the anti-bedbug Restoring Honor rally next month, you can basically wrap everything you own in plastic and then, if that doesn't work, melt everything down in sulfuric acid, including yourself. Better to die an honorable death than become the feedbag for a million creepy-crawly foreign entities. Right, Arizona??