The second season of Jersey Shore starts tonight. Yay! What if you didn't watch the first season? What if you just need to brush up on your guido particulars? What if you want some inside scoop? We've got you covered.
For those of you living under some kind of rock, Jersey Shore—a show where eight guidos drank, fucked, and fought their way through a month in New Jersey's Seaside Heights—started last December on MTV. It made an immediate splash in the pool of pop culture. Even though few people watched it at first, by the end of the season it was generating huge ratings. Since then, you can't swing a fake Fendi bag without hitting one of the guidos from the show or hearing one of their catchphrases. (Even Barack Obama is talking about them!)
MTV knows that fans are fickle, so the network rushed production of a second season, which meant the action had to be shifted from Seaside Heights to Miami, where the clubbing and sunning would be in full force earlier in the year. Season three just started filming back in New Jersey. But let's get you up to date on what's happened so far, or at least fill in the blanks if you've blacked out from too much Ron-Ron Juice.
Claim to Fame: The self-proclaimed Princess of Poughkeepsie and inventor of the "freakin' poof" is possibly the most famous of the eight guidos in the house. Known for her deep tan, love of pickles, and propensity to do back flips on the dance floor wearing short skirts and no underwear, Snooki has navigated her way into America's heart.
Fought With: Notoriously punched out by Brad Ferro in a bar brawl, even though MTV chickened out and didn't show the punch in the episode, only in previews. She also scrapped with a group of "zoo creatures" The Situation brought home.
Slept With: No one, actually. A running theme/joke of season one was that no matter how hard she tried to put out, Snooki couldn't get laid. She did make out with that puking guy, spend a night passed out on the beach with some other dude, and almost bagged Keith, the hot Irish man she met on the boardwalk.
Side Gigs: Though she's been trying to get her own dating show, Snookin' for Love, she hasn't done anything except public appearances.
Prediction of Season Two: When the season starts she has a boyfriend, Emilio, but we know that doesn't end well. Oh, she's also going to get in a fight with Trash Bags and some girl in a club (which she and JWOWW get sued over).
Claim to Fame: Born Mike Sorrentino 28 years ago—he claims, but no one believes, that his abs inspired his name—The Situation is best known for prowling for girls like it's his job. Well, actually, it kind of is. Known to speak mostly in the third person, he's a master at coining new phrases, whether his own name or things like "grenades" (ugly girls) or "GTL" (the guido regimen of gym, tanning, and laundry).
Fought With: No one, shockingly. For a male guido, he is shockingly passive.
Slept With: Too many skanks to count. He's like the guido Tiger Woods. He hooked up with housemate Angelina in the past and made out with Snooki in the hot tub during season one.
Side Gigs: The most prolific of the cast he has a single, a line of supplements, and a book in the works.
Prediction of Season Two: More skanks, more new words, and more arrogant self-aggrandizing.
Claim to Fame: Aside from the most shockingly fake tits ever seen on television, JWOWW is by far the meanest, roughest, drunkest, and most unruly of the guidettes. That is why she's our favorite. She has a love for ham and disappeared for long stretches of season one. Hmmm...
Fought With: She punched a girl in the face for calling Snooki fat, pummeled Brad Ferro after he punched Snooki, and socked The Situation in the jaw.
Slept With: Last season she had a boyfriend, but that didn't stop her from touching DJ Paulie's D.
Side Gigs: Started Filthy Couture, the sluttiest clothing line in history.
Prediction of Season Two: She gets in more fights, both with Sammi and the girl in the club, which she gets sued for.
DJ Paulie D
Claim to Fame: First of all, DJ Paulie Dope has a pierced penis, a fierce blowout, and the Cadillac logo tattooed on the side of his torso. Do you need to know anything more? The hottest guido DJ in his native Rhode Island, Paulie actually knows how to work the wheels of steel. The Situation's right hand man, he's good-natured, affable, and gets along with almost anyone, but if you need him to step up in a fight, he'll be there.
Fought With: Punched a guy for shoving Vinny.
Slept With: A bunch of ladies, but no one was more dangerous than Danielle, agent of Mossad, a Jewish girl who stalked him after he wouldn't call her back.
Side Gigs: He has a high-powered manager, but nothing so far.
Prediction of Season Two: More laughs
Claim to Fame: The "nice one," but she just pretends to be nice because she loves to start an argument. In fact, she only feels like a man loves her when he's fighting for her. While The Situation and Ronnie squared off for her affections, she chose Ronnie, and then put him through hell.
Fought With: Ronnie. A lot.
Slept With: Ronnie. A lot.
Side Gigs: She's just trying to keep her job on the show.
Prediction of Season Two: She and Ronnie broke up between seasons, and we have a feeling she's either going to cock block him all through their stay in Miami or they're going to get back together. Or both. Also, she scraps with JWOWW, which means she's surely going to lose.
Claim to Fame: The most bellicose of all the male guidos, Ronnie will fight when provoked or, you know, just for fun. After famously saying, "Don't fall in love on the Jersey Shore," he went and did just that, spending all his time pining away for Sammi and drinking his patented potent potable "Ron-Ron Juice," which we think is a mixture of Gatorade, vodka, and steroids.
Fought With: Beat the shit out of a townie who harassed him and Sammi on the boardwalk and then knocked out a guy with one punch on the sidewalk later in the season. He not only spent a night in jail for the second infraction but also got sued because of it.
Slept With: Sammi. A lot.
Side Gigs: The insurance to hire him to do anything would be way too expensive.
Prediction of Season Two: He's going to slut it up now that he's out from under Sammi's thumb, but eventually he'll fall back in love with her. And he'll beat someone up.
Claim to Fame: A mild-mannered momma's boy (and the only cast member who is pure-bred Italian) Vinny is usually the sensible one. Not too tanned or too muscled, he's the stand in for the audience at home, who finds all these antics horribly amusing, but doesn't want to get too involved. When things get out of control, Vinny is always there to talk some sense into everyone. Oh, and he once got pink eye from dancing with his face in a fat lady's crotch.
Fought With: No one.
Slept With: Not as many as The Situation and DJ Paulie Dangerous, but he did shack up with his boss' girlfriend.
Side Gigs: None, but he always says he wants to go to law school.
Prediction of Season Two: From the looks of the previews, he hooks up with both Snooki and Angelina. Damn, maybe little Vinny is growing some big balls.
Claim to Fame: We call her Trash Bags. Why? Because when she arrived at the house in Seaside Heights, she brought all her stuff in trash bags. Still, she claims to be classy. She established herself as brash and argumentative and a known cock blocker. Trash Bags left the show in episode three, because she didn't want to work a four-hour shift at the T-shirt store next to their house. After all, she's a bartender and she does, like, great things.
Fought With: Just about everyone in the house, before she left.
Slept With: Last season she had a married boyfriend. In the past she hooked up with The Situation, and after season one she slept with DJ Paulie Delicious.
Side Gigs: She'll do anything now, because she's been booted from season three and replaced with someone even trashier.
Prediction of Season Two: She's going to fight with all the girls and try to hook up with all the guys. She will handle herself totally wrong and end up in an apartment all by herself fearing for her life. Then we will promptly forget about her, because we don't like her.
So, there is everything you need to know about the show. Be sure to join us tonight for our Jersey Shore live blog. It starts at 9pm and we'll be watching the show together and saying mean things in the comments. And of course we'll have a full recount of the most important sociological experiment of our time on Friday morning.