Many of you are probably asking yourselves: How will I make money in our jobless, dystopian future, in which the "normal" economy is dead? The answer: gambling, drugs, and cigarettes. Everything old is new again! For now.
ITEM: Two established companies have merged to form the world's biggest online gambling company. Which is good timing, because the House is getting ready to legalize online gambling in the US. If you're a bookie and a computer nerd, get it while the getting's good.
ITEM: Regulators in Washington are crafting rules to stop doctors from prescribing high doses of powerful prescription painkillers that aren't absolutely necessary, because everybody's getting all doped up on Oxycontin's and crashing their cars all over the place. If you're a dope fiend with a friendly doctor or a drug dealer who sources his supply with easy scripts, get it while the getting's good.
ITEM: With New York's cigarette taxes higher than ever, selling bootleg cigarettes is the most prominent career path for new grads in NYC. Are you smoking counterfeit cigarettes? If you have any sense, yes. So of course the world's biggest tobacco company is suing god damn bodegas in federal court over it. Whether you want to make your fortune selling bootleg Newports from China, or just want to buy a pack of cigarettes for less than it costs to get a haircut in Manhattan, get it while the getting's good.
You should probably watch lots of porn too, just to be safe.