Due to environmental and societal factors, the subjects of the most important sociological experiment of our time—the eight guidos on MTV's Jersey Shore—were forced to leave their native habitat and migrate to Miami. The results were amazing.
The problem is that guidos have an intense aversion to winter. Not only does the cold weather make it hard to tan and the snow make it impossible for their plumage to attain the necessary heights to impress other members of the clan, but, as DJ Paulie Didactic teaches us, the female of the species does not leave the house in winter. This is due to the fact that she has no suitable clothing to protect her from frostbite. If she were to venture out in her usual short shorts and tanktops, she would die of exposure. This fear of death has lead the guidette, a warm-blooded animal to begin with, to seek shelter from October until April when it lives north of the Mason-Dixon line.
So that she would be free to roam the nightlife savannas that have become her hunting ground, the women and their male protectors were shipped down to Miami, where the climate is closer to the species' original home and therefore easy to navigate in the span of the year that includes Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, and the feast day of St. Cuthbert of Lindisfarne, who is holy to the guido because he is the patron saint of the duck.
The sojurn of our eight special guidos is much like the initial flight of their ancestors from their native lands. These pilgrims, who left in the 1920s, fled because they were taunted for their dark skin tone, flamboyant outfits, and otherwise "trashy ways" and sought refuge on our fair shores. They are, in fact, the tired, poor, huddled masses that are referred to on the Statue of Liberty. Because of their brave sacrifices—mostly working blue collar jobs, settling in dusty ghettos, and being forced to wash their laundry in the sink—the modern day guido gets to live a life of plenty here in America where they now scorn their humble roots and try desperately to avoid being likened to those pilgrims from the 1920s.
Alas, we are stuck in the modern era and we have to diligently chart the evolution and spiritual growth of Snooki, The Situation, ShamWOWW, DJ Paulie Diabolical, Sammi, Ronnie, Vinnie, and the atrocious creature known as Trash Bags. She was originally part of this experiment but took herself out of it because she is far too lazy and stupid to go through with the required fighting and hooking up on camera that is required for participation. But she was not allowed to return home. No, she was dragged to the Bog of Eternal Stench—a dark corner of her native Staten Island—where she was enslaved by a bunch of hapless Muppets and forced to do their bidding. This left her weary and disfigured and wishing that she has just stayed in Seaside Heights after all. One day, when she saw the fame and glory that her fellow guidos had attained by being a part of this experiment, she hatched a plan to escape. She sang David Bowie songs at the top of her lungs. These tortured the ears of the Muppets and allowed her to make a dash for it. She then rejoined the experiment, but she is now a shadow of her former self. She claims to want back in the good graces of the group, but because of her smell and the unusual deformation of her backside (which her fellow guidos derisively call the "Staten Island Dump") she will not fit in at all.
Before we get to the evil plans of the witch known as Trash Bags, we must pause to learn the native language of the guidos. Here are some essential terms to learn:
- Obliviated: This is a combination of the words "obliterated" and "bloviate." It is when a person reaches a state of inebriation where he doesn't know what he is saying, but is so drunk that he can't stop arguing. He will allow no one to speak and the fight will never be settled—even though no one is responding—until the offending party is either escorted away or passes out. While this is not a state exclusive to the guido, they are the only ones observant enough to actually name it.
- Landmines: There are two types of ugly girls. There are big ugly girls, called "grenades," and skinny ugly girls, called "landmines." This is why love is a battlefield.
- The C Word: Formerly known as "See You Next Tuesday" until the sinewy cougars of Sex and the City stole it, this is the worst thing you can possibly call a girl. Unless another girl uses the term to describe another girl. Then it's still the worst thing to call a girl, but it exempts the female speaker from actually being one, and therefore she feels like she is better than everyone else.
- Exorcism Mode: A state that non-guidos enter when trying to ape the guido lifestyle. Seeing their movements aped back to them seems so strange and foreign to the guido it's as if the person is possessed by a demon. This is why any attempt to "fist pump" should be left to the professionals.
- Metropole: This is the name of the apartment complex where our eight guidos will be living and Jacuzzi-ing while in Miami. It takes its name from a colonial British term that means "mother city" and is how people referred to the isle of England itself. This is a cruel cruel trick to play on our guidos, because it means they are living in the home of their oppressors.
Now that we can speak their language and know a bit about their history, let us look at the life of the guido in their new environs and investigate the problems they have with motor vehicles.
The Problem with Cabs: As we know, Trash Bags escaped her evil Muppet captors to return to our little experiment here. She was the third person to arrive in the house, after The Situation and DJ Paulie Disgusted and they were both shocked to see her. When she inquired about sleeping arrangements, she asked if she could sleep with them. They both took a long awkward pause and then said, "Uh, yeah. If you want." In that way that means, "Oh god, we really don't want her bunking with us, but it would be rude to say no."
The funny thing is, both The Situation and DJ Paulie Dog have slept with Trash Bags already, and by "slept with" we don't mean that they shared a twin bed in the same room. Now, they have both fucked Trash Bags. And she made it clear that she was willing to do it again.
As the other females filtered into the house, they made it clear that they wanted no part of talking to Trash Bags because she had talked shit about them behind their backs. In the warped code of guido honor, talking about someone behind their backs is a huge crime. However, you can feel free to say all sorts of hurtful shit to their face and that should be forgiven, because at least they are honest about it. The only exception to this rule is if you talk shit about a person by saying, "They talked shit about me." Then it is not talking shit, it is more like a public service announcement, steering other people clear of this horrible, wanton shit talker. There is an easy attrition, though, once a person has talked shit. Then he must just ask for forgiveness and it will be supposedly granted, though the offended person will forever go around telling people that the offender talks shit about people. That is their sad legacy.
Anyway, all the girls hate Trash Bags. Her only option becomes clear. She must suck up to (and suck off, if necessary) the boys so that she can get back into the good graces of her more famous and wealthy cohorts. This plan is going splendidly until she gets into a cab with the three other girls, who make her ride in the back seat like she is a lesser citizen. She will not take this slight lightly. No, she will interject herself into a discussion to make it all about her. This ignites the simmering tension of the group who attack her. ShamWOWW threatens to take it outside the cab, because apparently battling in the cab is against the rules. After a harsh fight, Snooki finally says what everyone is thinking. "You don't belong here, [Trash Bags]." There you go! That's everyone's problem. They don't think she is worthy of being included in their riches. Out the window goes the guido code!
In her final move, Trash Bags tries to insult Snooki by calling her too tan. The funny thing is, you can not insult a guido by calling them out for one of their stereotypical behaviors. If you say her hair is too high, makeup too thick, dress too slutty, tattoos too atrocious, or tan too dark, they don't acknowledge that as a bad thing. That isn't an insult to them, it's an insult to the person who says it, because they are so deluded that they think that possessing the qualities of a guido is somehow wrong or shameful, and that is the biggest insult to any guido.
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do: Because guidettes can not enter a cab without getting into a fight, there is another altercation in a bright yellow vehicle thanks to the broken-up Sammi and Ronnie. Apparently Sammi still has feeling for Ronnie, but Ronnie says that he is totally over Sammi and looks forward to a winter of slutting it up all over the southern metropolis of Miami.
This tension already started, when they get into a cab, Ronnie is "obliviated" (see above) and starts some weird fight with Sammi that no one understands. Then he calls her "The C Word" (see above) and everyone reacts badly. He gets out of the cab with Vinny and goes into a club while the girls go home to put Vaseline on their faces, take off their hair extensions, and cry themselves to sleep.
The funny thing about Sammi—a well-established Helen of Troy type who is only interested in guys when they fight over her—is that Ronnie is only making her more interested. When he does whatever she wants, that's when she gets bored and fights with him. However, when he fights against her, where there is conflict and tumult, her viscous juices get flowing and she gets so turned on by this little stump of a man that she can hardly control herself. She's already made it clear that she is going to make sure that Ronnie isn't going to hook up with anyone else (especially the loathed Trash Bags) and now that he's butting heads with her, she is determined to get her back.
This fight has just the opposite effect on Ronnie. When he feels the fresh scorn of Sammi, he "engages Creep Mode." It's like when there was a faulty cassette in a Nintendo 64 and to make it work properly one has to take it out of the set, blow on it and put it back in. That is what a fight with Sammi does to Ronnie's abilities to get wasted and make out with random ugly girls on a club's banquette. She takes out his "Creep Mode," blows on it, and puts it back in. "Creep Mode: Engaged." Ah, romance can be so complicated.
This plays right into Trash Bag's plans. She didn't go home with the girls, no. She stayed out with the boys. And now that she knows how slutty Ronnie has been at the club, she has ammo to upset Sammi. She says the opposite, that if Sammi were her friend, she'd tell her how lascivious Ronnie had been to warn her, but because Sammi was mean to her, she's going to keep her mouth shut. This is the sort of warped morality that the evil Muppets bestowed on Trash Bags. She thinks not telling someone bad news is punishment. And you know next time Trash Bags needs to get in a dig at Sammi she's going right into the memory vault and hauling out this information. Oh, Trash Bags, you are so evil.
Sticks in the Mud: It is not just taxis that cause the guidos problems, but all motor vehicles. When in the wilds of the Carolinas, The Situation and DJ Paulie Driver go off into a corn field to light off some fireworks. Of course their car gets stuck. And when AAA comes to save them, they get stuck too. That is when The Situation unleashes a guido zen koan for the ages, "Who does AAA call when AAA gets stuck." Damn, we are going to be awake at nights pondering that longer than we will be pondering, "Which came first, the abs or The Situation?" We will just never figure it out.
Snooki and ShamWOWW also drove from the Northeast to Miami, but they didn't encounter any such problems. Snooki did stop for fried pickles, which changed her life, so we guess everyone had a little extra spice on their trip. But now that everyone is safe and sound, lets leave them all in one place. Guidos flourish when they are in one locale to do what they do best: drink, fuck, fight, and dance. Once we see two people doing all four at the same time we can just end this little sociological experiment right there, because there is nothing left to see.
Top Shelf: We have just discovered that guidos have a hard time with heavy machinery, like automobiles, but it's a well-established fact that they can not master even simple machinery like grills, telephones, or just about anything else that requires electricity. Now we have undisputed proof that they can't even operate the most simple of all machines: a shelf.
Yes, Sammi, Snooki, and ShamWOWW broke a shelf. They didn't know what it was for and they piled all their stuff onto it and they broke it. Who doesn't know how to operate a shelf? The worst part of this whole ordeal is that they got RonRon Juice—a potent cocktail made of Gatorade, Popov vodka, protein powder, and steroids—all over Sammi's white shorts. White shorts are the most important part of any guidettes wardrobe, not only because they show off her curves (and hopefully the pockets that hang even lower than the hem that are then colored hot pink and decorated as to turn something that should be "trashy" into something "classy"). No, white shorts are ceremonial in nature. When their guido ancestors first arrived in this country, all women were forced to wear short white shorts to keep them in the house and safe from sexual predators of the new world. The white shorts were so short that leaving in the winter would cause the women's legs to freeze. Thus they were stuck at home, cooking and raising a family. Now, every winter the guidettes don them in unity with their forefathers. They are the only people on Earth allowed to wear white between Labor Day and the following Easter. While they like staying connected to the aesthetic ideals of their past, they hate living like them which is why all three members are humiliated when they are forced to do the laundry in the sink like the pilgrims of the '20s.
What they don't know is that the shelf breaking wasn't entirely their fault. Just like the Brady children messing with Tiki gods beyond their power in Hawaii, the guidos of Jersey Shore have some very angry mojo working against them in Miami. There is no Duck Phone in their new house. Yes, it is a travesty. They have forsaken their household god and it is angry and vengeful. This is just the first bit of horror that will befall the clan until they restore the Duck Phone to its rightful position of power in the house. Until then, it's eyes will burn with ire as it topples shelves, deflates poofs, infests the Jacuzzi with a strange and foreign fungus, and dries up the world's supply of muscle-boosting testosterone. As the feast day of St. Cuthbert of Lindisfarne approaches, each plague will get worse and worse until it comes to take every guido's first born, leaving nothing but drunken destruction in its wake.