Let's All Talk About Dead Men's Sperm

Healthy bullets! Healthy gay blood! Healthy weed! Healthy ticks! Healthy yoga! Healthy ketamine! Healthy magazines! And completely unhealthy sperm of the deceased! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but not that closely, that's gross!

  • Major environmental groups are trying to get the EPA to ban lead bullets, in an effort to "protect both the animals that scavenge the carcasses of hunted prey and the people who consume meat from hunting expeditions." But not the animals that get shot. Fuck them.
  • Wait, gay men are still prohibited from donating blood, because they might have AIDS? Outrageous, in this day and age. With such archaic and discriminatory laws in place, how are we supposed to create our all-gay blood-producing slave army?
  • A dilemma for modern-day employers: should your employees be able to purchase medical marijuana with their company health plan? No, and you're fired. Problem solved.
  • Are you taking steps to fight ticks? You better! They'll getcha!
  • The University of Maryland football team has a secret weapon in its training regimen now: yoga. Hope they're better at that than they are at football.
  • Well well well, turns out that ketamine, a.k.a. the Special K that turned you into K-hole cosmonaut brain-paused roboplasmic being, is greatly beneficial for people with bipolar depression. Finally, your theory that drugs are good for you has been proven true, but only after turning you into a bipolar depressive.
  • Have you been using magazine covers as your guide to fitness? You deserve what's coming to you, then.
  • Here's an issue Jesus never addressed in the Bible: What if a lady has a baby with a dead man's sperm? What does god have to say about Dead Man's Sperm, eh? You know Jesus would be all, "stop saying 'dead man's sperm.'"
[Pic: Shutterstock]