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Everyone thinks that the fights and confrontations on the Real Housewives of New Jersey come out of nowhere, but they have all been foretold by a very powerful soothsayer. Come, have a look at an ancient, earth-shattering artifact.
Because your beloved Richard Lawson is in Italy researching the Manzo family tree, he is unable to recap last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. I thought this would be a good opportunity to take you on a tour of the Real Housewives Institute, a humble museum and think tank dedicated to the research and preservation of everything related to the various and assorted Real Housewives of America. Over here we have a very rare original copy of the Jo De La Rosa CD Unscripted. This is a reliquary where we have preserved some fine silken strands from Kim Zolciak's wig that landed on the ground after her confrontation by Sheree on the sidewalk. Oh, this is a great find! This is one of the Pall Mall cigarette butts found in the New Mexico desert that we believe to have been smoked by none other than Countess LuAnn "Crackerjacks" de Lesseps. Notice the scarlet lipstick imprint around the tip and the one piece of glitter that still clings to it. Really, it's priceless.
But over here, you will see the Institute's most prized treasure. They are the scrolls of the Sibyl of Bayonne, a third century Italian priestess who lived in a cave and often went into a state of ecstasy and scribbled down her visions on these parchments. She was so famous they even named Bayonne, New Jersey, after her. Her writings, which she says are visions from her cross-eyed god, often spoke of warring clan of Italian women who lived in a secluded village in the New World. As we have continued to study the document, we have learned that the Sibyl envisioned each episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey before it even happened. Amazing.
Now, if you will kindly put on these cotton gloves and this protective eye wear from the Ramona Singer for Klein Tools line of safety goggles, I will now open the scrolls and we will see what the Sibyl had to say about last night's episode. It's sort of a "precap," if you will, and like the episode, it ends with Kim G's fight with Danielle. OK, here we go:
There will be a reckoning of mothers and daughters, the young and the old, as children are ushered into the world, and others are dragged out.
Like most things, it starts with a ceremony. All the warrior women will gather together to celebrate an infant female. She will smell of incense and have a name that is indecipherable. Before the ceremony can begin, a forgotten daughter must return from the great unknown. She is blond and her name has been forgotten, but her face will live on for ages, blonde and bulbous, she wears her new-found anonymity like armor. She will arrive in a chariot drawn by hairless felines. She must guide and protect this child, this Elora Dannon. The Forgotten One will have to undress the child and and redress her, but this time in the purest white. It is a dress befitting a bride with beads and bangles, ruffles and rouches, but shrunk down, long and small, hiding her feet that are clad in magical booties with the name of Gucci. No one will see them, but their wealth will shine through. She will suck on a pacifier made of diamonds, which will be the last thing of value her father can ever purchase.
Her father is a short, squat man who has more anger in the bank than he does money. He remains silent as the women circle around him, the screeching siren wails echoing through his onyx mansion like a keening dirge. They will place him with the child bride, dressed all in white, and her mother, the Fertile One. And there will be flashes. Brief flashes of light as they try to smile. But the bursts won't stop. Flash and flash and flash awakens the monster within. He slowly turns into an ape, a giant ape, swatting his paws at his friends and family, running off with the baby and scaling up the side of a giant building made of glass and steel. They will shoot at him and try to kill him. They will knock him off that building with their flying machines and weapons, and then he will be just a man again. A man going to the church with his daughter. The Forgotten One will hold the child and they will pour water on her head and she will be one of them, a fierce warrior lady with talons made of words. Then the Fertile One will insist on a party. A big, expensive party where they will all eat cake.
But there is one woman who is not allowed to be a part of the sacred ritual. She is the Uninvited One. She must deal with a daughter of her own, who is older and beautiful though her face has the blank stare of a frosty moon. They are at some sort of expert, some sort of man who wants to talk to the daughter about intercourse. Not about having it with her, he wants to convince her not to have it, to keep clean her body, to protect it against disease. The Uninvited One, her mother, thinks her daughter is dirty, like she is. Her daughter is a reflection of her and she wants to keep her daughter pure, though she betrays this with her actions. This is because she has no mother of her own and she is searching, searching, clasping through the night for that lost woman to love her, to hug her and kiss her and hold her to her breast in a loving embrace. She has known no love, and she longs with passion for another woman. She is moved to sing about it.
But the Uninvited One has enemies. There is a woman whose name is made up of all the letters of the alphabet. You know know her by the deadness in her eyes and the sharpness of her ambition. She is the new embodiment of an ancient evil for she will tell everyone what they want to hear. She will charm them with her guile and woo them into the folds of her bosom, because her bosom is full of wrinkled folds. She is The Demon. The Demon has been awarded no daughters to fight with her. She only has a son, and her son invites other boys over to their house to play with his balls in the basement. and his mother encourages it. She will use their unclean relationship for her own gain, for she is The Demon.
The Demon will strike when her ruse is discovered, and the Uninvited One knows that she is a fake. She learns this from her daughters whom she leaves her own alone to eat their fried potatoes. She leaves them alone, the pale moon face and the one who sings like a hooting owl. She leaves them like her own mother left her, and for this, one day, she will have to pay, for her daughters will leave her and she will be alone again. But the Uninvited One has called her minion, a dim barking man whose hair hangs in his eyes. In his mind he is Cerberus, the three-headed dog of hell, but in his soul, two of those heads are dead and he drags them around like rotting regrets.
The crippled Cerberus will escort the Uninvited One to her altercation with The Demon. It will be in a land of fungus, and it will be their battlefield. For a change, the Uninvited One is calm and rational. She will sit still and expose The Demon. When confronted with the truth—that she has been making friends with the Uninvited One's enemies—The Demon can not lie. She must face the truth but like at an exorcism when the malignant spirit's true identity is discovered, it flails and flops the body around, railing in tongues, scratching with its claws as it is removed from the body, so does The Demon react to the truth. It will throw the finest of linens, it will accuse the Uninvited One of being a sneak and a liar, it will follow its target as it flees, calling its bosom fake and square.
But it is The Demon who is fake and square. She will be left standing alone, in that fungoid world, with her hands on her hips and her head bowed low. She will realize how far her ambition has taken her. That her friends are really her enemies and that she is not wanted by any clan. Before she was lurking in a darkened cave, but the Uninvited One lit a fire, and now all of her faces can be seen, as plain as day, flickering and shifting in the heated glow. The folds of her bosom act as gutters for her tears as she cries to herself silently, in the gaze of the world she wanted so badly. She weeps with heaving sobs and wishes she had a daughter to comfort her.
It's amazing how the Sibyl knew what was going to happen! We could look further down the scroll to see what happens next week, but that would be cheating. So concludes your visit to the Real Housewives Institute. If you enjoyed your stay, please leave a modest contribution in the Vicki Gunvalson Memorial Coffers on your way out of the building. Thank you for visiting, and have a nice day.