White Folks Demand Freedom From Weird Asian Food

Flushing, Queens is home to a wonderful international tableau of residents, representing the entire Asian diaspora. So you can imagine how much it sucks for the white people, right? You ever go to one of those Asian grocery stores? Weirdo!

The WSJ reports on Flushing's greatest current controversy: the closure of the Key Foods grocery store, which was like the last place whites could find bologna and other normal food. Now neighborhood whites are panicking, surveying their shopping options with dread and fearing a future of nothing but "dragonfruits" and "spicy noodles" and whatever other weird foods they eat in China, or wherever:

In a sign of the intensity of these residents' lobby, elected officials are brokering negotiations with the manager of the Asian store, New York Mart, about what it will stock. Among demands: Boar's Head bologna, bagels and pet food, for a start...Some non-Asian residents mourn the neighborhood's transformation, saying it feels like a foreign country. They say the Key Food, which closed in late May, was among the last grocery stores where they could buy Lean Cuisine and deli meats.

What the Sam Adams is this country coming to when a white retiree can't get his hands on a Lean Cuisine and a half pound of sliced turkey bologna—in Queens! Where are the non-fauxhemian white folks supposed to live, if not Queens? Do you want them in your neighborhood? Think about it.

Equal sandwich rights for whites!

[This whole story really is precious. Pic: Flickr]