The Vegan Wedding Article The New York Times Doesn't Want You to Read


Vegans are a great lay. So sinewy and healthy, with boundless energy, ruddy complexion and a willingness to experiment. Just don't marry a vegan, because then your wedding will be filled with boring food dilemmas.

So declares the New York Times' Sunday Styles section, in a very Sunday Styles article: "At Vegans' weddings, Beef or Tofu?" You can read the article if you want, but we'd recommend our "remix," featuring real quotes from the real article.

"At Vegans' Weddings, Beef or Tofu?" (Gawker Remix)

Should vegans serve meat at their weddings? We asked this question while floating lazily above the Earth in a private airship filled with some vegan friends. What say you, beautiful famous vegan pastry chef Frenanda Capobianco: Beef? or tofu?

"We are inviting chefs like Eric Ripert and Daniel Boulud," Ms. Capobianco said. "How can we invite chefs and then have no meat? They'll think we're crazy."

Interesting. [Nibbles off the tip of a vegan chocolate-dipped strawberry while gazing out the airship window] Now we shall hear a counterpoint from San Francisco social worker Kathleen Mink, who had a vegan wedding and even decorated the place with paper flowers to be more ethical:

"The day was to celebrate us coming together and who we are, and our choices every day are vegan choices," she said.

Fascinating. Pilot? Could you bring the airship above the clouds for a bit? Our iPhone's solar-powered battery charger isn't quite getting enough direct sunlight, and it's getting hard to see all these interesting vegan people. Where were we again? Oh yes... [Klaxon sounds] Wha... what? Sky Pirates!? All hands on deck! Battle stations! In the name of vegans everywhere attaaaaaack!

[2,000 words describing the battle between the vegan airship and the Sky Pirates follows.]

(And that's the only article about vegan weddings that would not have made us want to jump into traffic.)