Pop-Tarts Sushi and Other Fine Foods at the New Pop-Tarts Cafe

A Pop-Tarts "cafe," featuring a 30-item menu including "Pop-Tarts sushi" and a build-your-own pack vending machine, will open in Times Square on Tuesday. Yes, you read that right: Pop-Tarts sushi. We have suggestions for more menu items!

Like most New Yorkers, I spend as much time as possible in Times Square, which is one of those great "locals-only" neighborhoods with some of the best dining options in the city. The problem is, there are only so many times you can go to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. or the ESPN Zone (just kidding—you can never have too much ESPN Zone, ever!). Thank God, then, that a new, 3,200-square-foot Pop-Tarts store/cafe on 42nd Street between Sixth Avenue and Broadway, is opening on Tuesday!

Click to viewAnd as if the store's "brief" hourly "light show" didn't sound exciting enough: According to The New York Times, the Pop-Tarts cafe will serve some 30 different items, including the "Fluffer Butter" ("marshmallow spread sandwiched between two Pop-Tarts frosted fudge pastries") the "Sticky Cinna Munchies ("cinnamon rolls topped with cream-cheese icing and chunks of Pop-Tarts cinnamon-roll variety") and "Ants on a Log?" ("celery, peanut butter and chunks of the Wild Grape version"—the question mark in the name refers to the question, "What fresh hell is this?")

You can also "customize" your own Pop-Tarts, by requesting different varieties of filling, frosting and sprinkles. And then there's "Pop-Tarts Sushi: "three kinds of Pop-Tarts minced and then wrapped in a fruit roll-up," which was the "winner" of the Pop-Tarts brand "internal tasting."

But is that really enough? Attention, Pop-Tarts: Here are some unsolicited recipe ideas for your cafe. I'm happy to do demonstrations for these!

"Pop Tarts Soup" Seves: 2
Step 1. Break up several Pop-Tarts of your choice
Step 2. Boil two cups water
Step 3. Place Pop-Tarts in water. Serve hot

"Pop Tarts Tartare" Serves: 4
Step 1. Dice one pound prime beef tenderloin
Step 2. Mix beef with capers, mustard, onions, parsely, anchovies. Form into four patties
Step 3. Stick Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts in patties. Serve immediately

"Healthy Choices Pop Tarts" Serves: 2
Step 1. Boil one cup water with one-half cup quinoa
Step 2. Chop cucumbers, tomatoes, red onion, hot peppers, cilantro, and Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts
Step 3. When quinoa is done, combine with ingredients. Serve with garnish of avocado

"Double Down Pop Tarts"
Step 1. Buy Double Down sandwich from KFC
Step 2. Put Chocolate Chip Cooke Dough Pop-Tart inside sandwich
Step 3. Eat. Think about your life choices

"The College Sophomore" Serves: 1
Step 1. Smoke, like, a ton of weed.
Step 2. Look for the Pop-Tarts in the dorm kitchen
Step 3. Get distracted reading the label of the Yogi Tea
Step 4. Find the Pop-Tarts and place them in the toaster
Step 5. Wander away from the kitchen and go to bed. Eat Pop-Tarts the following day, if you remember

[NYT]