Rumors of Will Ferrell's Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

It's true. He had the second-highest opening of his career this weekend. Plus the dream movie continued to do well and the cats and dogs thing... not so much.

1) The Other Guys — $35.6M
Will Ferrell is back! After he was banished from Hollywood when Land of the Lost failed — asked to hand in his keys to the Ivy, ripped out of Sumner Redstone's ancient and dust-covered Rolodex, given a bungalow in Canoga Park and told to stay there until further notice — it looked as though he may never rise again. Will Ferrell's streak was over, crowed entertainment journalists. An embarrassing failure! Land of the Lost had lost and now Will Ferrell was... lost in an uncharted... land. That's what people were saying. But now a young street tough from the curlicue corners of Boston has come along and said "C'mon you, get in my Chevy Lumina and let's go to Dunkies and figure this thing out." And that street tough was Marquis Q. Wahlberg, and together they saved Will Ferrell. They lit the curtains of the Canoga bungalow on fire and walked away. They slammed the Rolodex card down Redstone's chalky throat. They crashed the Ivy and threw Cobb salads in everyone's faces, Sherry Lansing writhing on the ground in bleu cheese-smeared agony. Forget the Other guys. These are The guys. Will Ferrell has fought the long road back to Hollywood success. Cue music, fire confetti cannons, paint a rainbow over Wilshire Blvd.

2) Inception — $18.6M
Now that this movie has been out for four weeks and made so much money ($227m), I think it's safe to say that everyone has seen it. So let's talk some spoilers. Remember in the dream part when Leonardo DiCaprio showed up to the school play but he didn't know any of his lines and then, wait it was so weird, it was a school play but also a test that he hadn't studied for? Well, why couldn't he have been naked? Isn't that how those dreams usually work? And remember that long drawn-out sequence where Ellen Page kept waking up and turning her alarm clock off and stumbling to the bathroom and brushing her teeth only to wake back up again and realize that she hadn't actually been responsible and gotten up and done her morning stuff, she'd slept for fifteen extra minutes and now she was late to work? Remember that part? I just thought that was a little too... something. I know this movie is all about dreams, but I wish it didn't have to be about those dreams. And forget the free-associative scene where Michael Caine was stuck in his old high school with his ex-wife and that guy from the dinner party a few years ago and, like, the mailman or something and they had to get out but all the doors were locked and then suddenly they weren't at the high school, they were in an airport and then it turned into a wedding and it wasn't his mailman, it was a guy he did a play with years ago, or maybe it was both of them at the same time, it was hard to tell. That scene just isn't worth talking about.

3) Step Up 3D — $15.5M
The great tragedy of this weekend: I was supposed to go see this on Saturday night but then last minute I went to the Berkshires for a family thing and my friends, my only friends who would ever want to see this movie, went without me, so now I have no one to see Step Up 3D with and I will never see it. So sad. I'm guessing that's what happened to many of you, as the receipts for this movie were lower than expected. Imagine if you hadn't had to drive your aunt to the airport, or pick up Debbie's shift because she "had a cold". Imagine if your sister hadn't needed you to watch her kids because her mother-in-law's arthritis was acting up and needed help with the Sunday dinner that your sister wasn't planning on going to. Imagine all that. Then you could have seen Step Up 3D, all of you, and this extra-dimensional, super-sensual dancefeast would have earned the money it deserves. But now, all is lost. There is no way to see this movie now that the only drunken opportunity has passed you by. You could rent it, but it wouldn't be 3D, and then what's the point. So you'll just have to let it go, let it exist forever in that dark cabinet of movies you'll probably just never see — when does one have occasion to watch The Pianist? It's far too late to see FernGully now. They all went to see Something About Mary without you because you were in Albany, and now... what's the point? At least you're in good company in that lost place, Step Up 3D. At least there's that.

7) Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore — $6.9M
People are shocked. After two weeks in release, this movie has only made a "paltry," a "dismal," a "disappointing" $26.4m. What a disappointment! Everyone expected a movie called Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore to do so well. What about this movie could possibly not do well? Was it the use of actual animals, with their unfeeling eyes and not-at-all talking mouths? Couldn't be, couldn't possibly. Was it that no one even remembers the first one so a sequel seems completely out of left field and maybe they just made up the first one hoping that people would jump on the sequel bandwagon? I shan't believe it. Was it the not-at-all insane title? Never! There is absolutely no reasonable answer as to why this sure-to-be smash hit is now just summertime rubble. I guess the only thing to say is that the world shifts, polarity changes, oceans swell and ebb. We do not always know the physics of the world, let alone of the heart. It's as shocking and sad a fact as the failure of Charlie St. Cloud. (No. 8, $4.7m.) We're sorry, Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. Because we suspect, in some itching place in our souls, that we have failed you. And we'll never know why.

10) The Kids Are All Right — $2.6M
This movie finally cracked the top ten and has made $14m off of a $4m budget. How about that. I guess all I can say is hey Maggie Gallagher! Are you enjoying the sucking of it? Oh you sucked it so bad last week and now there's this news. Well, I guess you'll just have to keep sucking it some more, until the jungle of history has grown over you and forgotten you for the toadish already-relic that you are, you hateful monster. Yay! The kids are all right!