The Way We Live Now: in enslavement to repayment. Our salvation? Reparations. Or—damn it—at least a sandwich.

Congratulations are in order for you, the consumer: you now owe more money in student loans than you do in credit card debt. Does it count if you put your college education on a credit card? And what about the fact that 85% of the average American's credit card debt consists of purchases made in the dorm, at night, while drunk, sophomore year, on that card you only signed up for to get the free squirt bottle, on the quad?

Stay in school.

And be sure to survive for many years once you get out of school, preferably while working a lucrative job. You wouldn't want your family to be responsible for all your god damn student loans after your death, would you? Because guess what, if you die, your poor ma and pa are responsible for every last cent of those loans they cosigned for.

The business of America is business. Not sob stories.

Don't like it? Move to India, where you don't even have a right to crumb of naan. You're not the only one with problems. Nascar is perilously close to fielding race cars with their original paint color showing through due to a lack of corporate logos. Chicago's rich folks are being foreclosed on just like common poors. And it's starting to seem as if building a lavish museum in the poshest part of Manhattan to show off "folk art" was not such a great idea.

Don't even get us started on the "debit whammy."

How do you pay back all those student loans? That's for you to figure out, genius. Hope they taught you something about hustling at that fancy expensive college, ha. There's no jobs, that's for sure. We suggest you ask Wal-Mart for help.

[Pic: AP]