Death Begins in the BellyS

New Alzheimers test! DNA for cancer! Grownups with pediatricians! Questions about statins! Patella band analysis! The science of sleep! And belly fat of doom! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—or do we?

  • Researchers say that they've created a "100 percent accurate" spinal fluid test that can tell if you're on your way to Alzheimer's. But—spoiler—if you're not on your way to Alzheimer's, the test cures absolutely nothing. Thanks a lot.
  • Also, new DNA tests for colon cancer may be able to detect tumors that a colonoscopy misses. Great doc, but I came here with a broken leg, okay?
  • Here's a "trend" that'll have you saying "oh, brother!": kids these days are all grown up and in college but they're still going to see their pediatricians, who are doctors for babies. Hey baby with your blanket, find a real doctor for grownups! Kids! You just want to shoot them all, one by one.
  • Statins are the most-prescribed class of medications in the world. Do they even work? The article looked pretty long, so I don't know.
  • Can a patella band—a sort of knee brace often worn by runners—actually get rid of knee pain? Yes, doctors say, but only temporarily. The underlying issues remain. To get rid of those, you need like Wolverine skeleton surgery and shit.
  • Why can some people sleep through anything, while others wake up at the slightest sound of you jimmying open their bedroom window? It has to do with bursts of brain rhythm, but the takeaway for you is: better too much chloroform than too little.
  • Wear big pants? You are so dead.
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