Some Alternative Plans for the 'Ground Zero' 'Mosque'S

On Friday, President Obama spoke out supporting the right of the developers of the Cordoba House—the so-called "ground zero mosque"—to build at their site. And Republicans wouldn't shut up about it. It's okay! We have other ideas.

Everyone's up in arms about the proposed Official 9/11 Disrespect Mosque that's going to be built out of the bones of Christian toddlers (Note: the "Ground Zero Mosque" would be more accurately titled "The Downtown Manhattan Muslim Community Center"). How can we balance the Bill of Rights with the rabid xenophobia of the United States? We've put together some compromises:

  • Change "mosque" to "church," but the Bibles are only available in Arabic.
  • The Cordoba Initiative has to build the mosque 20 blocks away, but they can make it ten times bigger.
  • Bring Danny Meyer on board to build another Shake Shack inside the mosque, because talk about a religious experience, am I right?
  • The mosque can be built, but every time a service is held, Newt Gingrich will be there to make sure that no funny business is going on.
  • Have the Cordoba Initiative build a shopping mall instead of a mosque, but the only things available for sale are Islamic-themed.
  • Don't let the Cordoba Initiative build the mosque, but let Obama come out as a Muslim.
  • What about a big statue of Sarah Palin, holding a Qu'ran? Not even at Ground Zero, just as an art project, or whatever.
  • Have Greg Gutfeld open a Muslim gay bar across the street from the mosque, and then make sure it fails miserably, and then we'll all laugh, Muslims, Jews and Christians alike, because who wouldn't laugh at Greg Gutfeld going bankrupt? (Bonus joke: He could call it "The Five Pillars.")
  • Instead of a mosque, have the Cordoba Initiative team up with the Republican Party team to build a "Ground Zero Time Machine," and go back in time to ensure 9/11 never happens.
  • Allow the mosque to be built, and then destroyed, and then built again, and maybe by then we'll have figured out this whole "tolerance" thing.
  • Have the anti-Mosque protestors take all of the energy being channeled toward hateful bigotry and redirect it toward positive projects in their own communities, like local literacy programs, for example.
  • Rebuild the Twin Towers and hang a big fucking sign between them that says "OFFICIAL 9/11 MOSQUE AND FUCK OFF BACK TO ALASKA IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT."
  • Just spitballing here, but: "Corona House"?

[Pic via AP]