It's Official: Men Defeat Women in Gender War

Yeah, it was finally determined this weekend when a bunch of virile, grunting men pummeled not only some chick on a road trip but also her little wimpy sissyboy friend, who wasn't really a man to begin with.

1) The Expendables — $35M
Sylvester Stallone and his band of grizzled elder action statesman all finished their bowls of Müeslix, looked for their car keys for 25 minutes, complained about the weather once shuffling outside, spent another 15 minutes adjusting their car seats even though they'd done the same thing the day before ("Damn thing keeps moving..."), took a wide oblivious left turn onto the busy streets that their condos are located on (even though their adult kids had said that the streets were too busy, not safe at all), and drove at fifteen miles an hour straight back into Hollywood success! So, OK, ha ha, Sly Stallone and Dolph Lundgren are a million years old. But still! They can still toss their dicks around and grunt and sweat and fart bullets with the best of 'em. And they totally crushed this weekend, just absolutely annihilated it. MAN! They pissed all over everything else while eating mutton off the bone, washing it all down with a mixture of beer, blood, and motor oil. MEN ARE BACK, bitches. Suck on that, Hanna Rosin. For a while there no one cared about men, men didn't control anything. But now. Ohhh now a new era dawns. Yes it does.

2) Eat Pray Love — $23.7M
This movie about how some old lady decided to spend her boss's money flitting about god knows where for a year did pretty good, I guess, but whatever. Probably a bunch of sad single women with like curly hair and glasses and stuff, all crying and eating ice cream in the theater and telling each other they're not fat, even though they're all fat and they all look like ninth grade English teachers. (Probably because they all are ninth grade English teachers.) And then they drive home in their shitty Toyotas and the whole house smells like cat and air freshener and it's yogurt and some pita bread over the sink for dinner again tonight and then sitting on the couch watching taped (on VHS) episodes of Lois & Clark and the Jeremy Piven Cupid and Roswell, patting their laps wanting the cat to jump up and cuddle with them, but this cat is different, not the same as Daisy-Mins, who died last February, no this one is way more aloof and scratches sometimes, but they just wear longer sleeves at work so you don't notice the marks. And after a while it's maybe some tea and some cookies straight from the bag and then upstairs to sleep, the ceiling fan rattling quietly, the dim red of the alarm clock casting a strange glow on the doilied nightstand. And lying there in the quiet, they think about Julia Roberts in the movie and how she rode a bicycle clear across Bali, and they think about how faraway things feel, all the time now, more and more every day. YEAH, FUCK THEM. EXPENDABLES, AWW YEAHHHHH.

5) Scott Pilgrim vs. the World — $10.5M
Awwww. Is little hipster boy gonna cry? Does little skinny minnow Michael Cera wanna put on his Grizzly Bear album and curl up under the afghan he bought at a flea market in Silver Lake and just cry himself to sleep in his room? Widdle stinkums' big movie didn't do so well. And it cost a very un-hipstery $60m to make! Whoopsy. Just goes to show you that wimps ain't worth your time. FUCK 'EM. EXPENDABLES, MOUNT UP. (But, in all seriousness, wasn't it something of a grave miscalculation to think that this decidedly autumnal movie would do well in the summer, especially on the same weekend as Expendables, which has enough retro appeal to attract the ironic chunky glasses types and nerds that Pilgrim so depended on? Plus, uh, you know, all those groups of gal friends who would have gone to see the movie if they weren't watching Julia's no carbs left behind field trip. I dunno. It just seems like they would have done a lot better on some October weekend when kids are back in school and bored and looking for something a little edgy, but still entertaining. Ah well.)

8) Salt — $6.3M
I saw this movie last week in a fit of humidity and popcorn lust and it was totally fun, duh. Angela Jorbman is really good at the punching and the kicking and the firing of guns and there's one cray-cray thing where she strangles this dude with handcuffs that's totally off the Cheney. So it was definitely worth the approx. $4.29 million it cost to get a ticket, small soda, and popcorn. But one thing I had a problem with. The movie doesn't so much tease at the possibility of a sequel. The movie just blatantly doesn't really end. I mean, it sort of ends? Like I guess the basic intrigue of the movie has been answered for the most part, but there's still big stuff that just doesn't end but then the credits roll and the lights in the theater go up and you might as well walk out into the lobby and slap down another twenty and say "OK, gimme one for Salt 2, in 2013 or whenever. Yeah, yeah, c'mon, I know you already have it in your computer." Curse you, Phillip Noyce! Oh, but that's not the biggest frustration about the film! The biggest frustration is that Andre Braugher is in it for like three seconds for no reason and they make no effort to explain why this is. There is no blinking title card under his face that says "Andre Braugher is friends with one of the producers, so he's just doing this for fun" or anything. It's just Andre Braugher, saying a few lines very seriously, and that's it. Has he really sunk that low? Is he really just a day player on action movies now? It's the movie's biggest mystery and it was completely unresolved. Maybe in the sequel? Though, uh, due to the particular fate of Andre's "character", it might be hard to do that.

10) Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore — $4M
I am now grimly anticipating the third installment in this series, Cats & Dogs: The Seppuku of Michael Clarke Duncan. That one will be... harrowing.