Report: Kids These Days Don't Know ThingsS

Every year, Beloit College publishes a "Mindset List" that reveals just how god damn young College Kids These Days are. They've never worn a wristwatch, or enjoyed an egg cream with their A-1-gal in the old-fashioned style? What the fuck?

ALARMING HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE JUST-RELEASED BELOIT COLLEGE MINDSET LIST. Would you believe the following things are true about incoming college freshmen? For heaven's sake.

15. Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause.
16. Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways.
23. Leasing has always allowed the folks to upgrade their tastes in cars.
28. They've never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day.
36. Adhesive strips have always been available in varying skin tones.
58. Beethoven has always been a dog.
75. Honda has always been a major competitor on Memorial Day at Indianapolis.

Buh? Guh? It's as if they live in a completely alien world. A world full of ribbons, and flesh-toned band-aids, and a shocking inability to understand basic human communication, and an oddly myopic focus on various brands of cars. Whereas you and I can remember way back when the Beloit College Mindset List didn't even exist.

[The full list, which is really a waste of time, but a great example of manufacturing news out of thin air. Pic: Shutterstock]