Labor Day is rapidly approaching, and with it the end to the warmer weather and the lazy pace of the summer season. But before that happens, you better cross these activities off your list. Time's running out!
Click to viewThere are some things that just aren't nearly as much fun in the spring, fall, or winter. Imagine if Independence Day took place in March? The picnics, fireworks, and potato salad just wouldn't be right. When summer begins, it seems like it will last forever. But you only have two more weeks left at this point, so take advantage. Here are all the things you need to enjoy before the leaves start to turn and you have to wait a whole year.
Wear White: It's not just a silly scene out of Serial Mom: wearing white after Labor Day is a serious sartorial offense. You don't need to give people another reason to make fun of you! Plan your outfits accordingly so you can get all your white pants, shoes, bags, and other accessories one last wear before they are relegated to the back of the closet. While you're at it, give all your linen, seersucker, and sandals another go 'round too. If you dare take them out before Easter, it's at your peril.
Go Swimming: For those of us in the uppermost parts of the country, there is a small window to enjoy splashing around in the open air, particularly in the ocean. Get yourself to a swimming hole, pool, beach, lake, or—hell—even a dumpster. Just make sure you swim somewhere before it's too late. Well, except the Gulf of Mexico. This is not the summer for that.
Watch Things Explode: The only thing that says summer more than heat, humidity, and nothing to do at the office is big, expensive, effects-laden action movies. There's something special about spending a calm day in the fabricated chill of the multiplex watching a bunch of macho heroes turn cars, buildings, tanks, airplanes, and just about any other large structure into fiery rubble. It hasn't been the best summer for blockbusters, but between Inception, Salt, and The Expendables, there is bound to be something worth your $12. Now if only we could blow up Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love.
Eat Corn on the Cob: It's in season. It's fresh and delicious. It's probably grown locally! Now is the time for yummy, yummy corn on the cob. It gets stuck in your teeth and puts that crazy indent in the top of the stick of butter that constantly lounges in your fridge, but it's more than worth those petty hassles. This will remind you that corn is good for something other than making the syrup they use to chemically engineer your Twinkies.
Call in Sick: You pretend like you're so busy at work, but face it, there isn't shit to do right now. Half of the country is on vacation, so even if you wanted to do your job, the people who enable you to do it are sitting on a chaise lounge somewhere with a fruity cocktail right now. Do yourself a favor and join them. It's not like you're going to miss anything. Go to the beach, spend some time with the kids before school starts, enjoy a day watching Judge Judy reruns. Anything is better than trying to pretend like you are actually doing something. Your boss isn't even around to care and we all know it's not until September that anything worthwhile gets accomplished anyway. Oh, guys, I'm gonna be "sick" next Thursday. Just letting you know now.
Eat Ice Cream for Dinner: It's too hot too cook and summer makes you lazy. It's not often that you can rationalize this indulgence. Just go for it. And be sure to order one of these. Just don't eat anything the next day. You still have one more appearance left to make in your swimsuit.
Read Something Stupid: There is nothing happening. All the media has been collectively obsessed with lately is flight attendant Steven Slater's flamboyant flame out, Chelsea Clinton's wedding, and Lindsay Lohan's jail sentence. Don't bitch about our tabloid culture, just enjoy it. Pretty soon the legislatures will be back in session, there will be some elections, or another disaster, terrorist plot, or major court decision will come along. Then you can feel all intelligent reading your smarty-pants news. Right now, there's something about Justin Bieber's hair that needs your attention.
Have Sex Outside: If you have the capacity to get laid, then you should get laid al fresco. Beds and couches (even desks and kitchen floors) are for suckers when there are backyards, alleyways, park benches, hiking trails, and beaches waiting for you to mar them with your nasty bits. There are dangers of course—tics, poison ivy, sand in inopportune places, getting caught—but that's half of the fun. Live dangerously, it will either end like a Saturday Night Live skit or a porn movie, both of which are awesome.
Watch Sex Inside: We know you watch porn all year round, but it's been an even more fertile season than usual for "celebrity" sex tapes. There was Playboy model/reality star Kendra Wilkinson, Real Housewife Danielle Staub, and celebrity spawn Montana Fishburne all getting frisky on film. It became so widespread, Eva Mendes even made a parody sex tape. Companies aren't going to keep releasing 'em if someone doesn't pay for them, so let's encourage the summer of the sex tape with some of our consumer dollars, shall we? (Warning: We're not responsible for any retina burns sustained while watching them.)
Get Drunk at a Baseball Game: OK, with the expensive, watered-down beverages at your local ball field it's probably hard to get drunk, but that is why God invented tailgating and flasks. Baseball is the great American past time, but it is pretty damn boring, which is why hanging with a handful of friends on a nice, warm evening and throwing a few back is the only thing that makes it bearable. And it is one of the few acceptable excuses for tying one on in the middle of the week. So go see a major league game, or even a farm team. Scare a bunch of little leaguers with your alcohol-fueled antics if you must, just go to a game! If you don't, you hate America.