Meet the Finance Exec Who Allegedly Put Semen in His Co-Worker's Water Bottle

This is Michael Kevin Lallana of Fullerton, California, a 31-year-old financial representative at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network. He is also, according to the Orange County District Attorney, a sex offender who put his semen in a co-worker's water bottle. Gross.

Are you looking for a financial advisor in Orange County? May we suggest you steer clear of Michael Kevin Lallana? At the very least, you will probably want to bring your own water to any meetings you have with him. Lallana was arrested on Tuesday and charged with two misdemeanor counts of "releasing an offensive material in a public place" (might as well charge Dan Brown's publishers with that, am I right?) after DNA testing apparently confirmed that semen in his coworker's water bottle was, um, released by him.

This is, according to the Orange County DA, the second time Lallana has bequeathed his coworker with semen-laced H2O. The first time, on January 14, he left some of his "vitamin" water on her desk; she drank it, felt sick and poured it out. The second time happened in March, after both had been transferred from Newport Beach to Orange—but this time, the woman wised up and sent the bottle to a private lab for testing. The lab got back to her in June, with the results: Semen.

Prosecutors say that Lallana hadn't shown any animosity toward the woman, and that he volunteered a DNA sample. Upstanding of him! And consistent with his profile on business networking site LinkedIn, where he touts his "accessibility" and "high ethical standards." (He also says he's looking for "career opportunities" and "new ventures." I'll bet.) His personal Northwestern Mutual site has already been scrubbed by the company, but Google's cache of it works fine and allows you to learn about bonds.

Lallana is currently facing three years in prison and mandatory sex offender registration. I almost hope he's innocent, though, just for the story of how someone obtained his semen and put it in that coworker's water bottle.