Jennifer Lopez's Sadistic Search for a New Assistant, and Other HardshipsS

J.Lo's assistants aren't allowed significant others or vacations. Fred Armisen dumped Elisabeth Moss for a younger SNL cast member. Montana Fishburne explains the weird spots on her butt. Naomi Campbell cheats on her taxes. Thursday gossip rules with fear.

  • Jennifer Lopez is hiring a new assistant: "The person has to be graceful under pressure, have thick skin, and be resourceful in foreign countries." Significant others and pets are not allowed. The work week is 72 hours and vacations are not allowed. "You'll be on call 24/7... You have to change diapers, work on little sleep, and cook if the butler is away. You have to know when J.Lo has her snack time. She won't say she's hungry, and you're expected to have food waiting." Compensation is $55-65K. Definitely not worth it. [L&S via Celebitchy & Jezebel, image via Pacific Coast News]

  • The IRS has filed a $63,487 lien against Naomi Campbell for unpaid taxes in New York City. Time to throw something at the accountant. [P6]

  • Jennifer Lopez's Sadistic Search for a New Assistant, and Other HardshipsSBritney Spears tweeted a picture of herself on the set of Glee: "what's up GLEEKS? Having so much fun on set!! Can't wait for you guys to see the episode! -Britney" I can't wait for bitchy rumors about Lea Michele glowering at the presence of a bigger star on her set. [@britneyspears, OMG]

  • L.A. Ink star Kat Von D tweeted—then deleted—confirmation that she's dating Jesse James: "And yes, Jesse and I are dating." I bet sad, self-hating Jesse forced the tweletion. [People, Popeater]

  • Fred Armisen's divorce from Elisabeth Moss broke last week, and now it turns out he's dating SNL costar Abby Elliott, who is 20 years his junior. New York's chapter of Hollywood is exactly the same as Hollywood's, apparently. [L&S, Popeater]

  • Jennifer Lopez's Sadistic Search for a New Assistant, and Other HardshipsMontana Fishburne posed nearly nude for As Is magazine beside the headline "I'M NOT DOING SH*T TO HIM, BUT F*CKING AND HAVING MY CAREER." As Is airbrushed out the mysterious polka dots on her rear end that horrify all who see her videos (my guess is butt acne) and asked her WTF those spots are: "I've had spots on my butt forever—it's a leopard booty." Mystery not solved. [Radar]

  • The owner of a Beverly Hills beauty salon apparently stole her famous clients' credit card numbers and used it to make $214,000 of charges on Liv Tyler's card. Jennifer Aniston, Cher, and Anne Hathaway were also hit. Whodathunk Jen and Cher shared a salon? [Radar]

  • Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry butt-bumped Steven Tyler off the stage and into the crowd at a concert in Toronto. TMZ thinks he did it on purpose: The video shows Tyler butt-bumping Perry and walking away. Perry turns his head, walks over, and bumps him back, harder. [TMZ]

  • The charity event Tareq and Michaele Salahi hosted at a gay bar was supposed to turn over proceeds from its $25 and $500 tickets to a charity for supporting veterans. The charity has yet to receive a single dollar. These people are really the worst, aren't they? [P6]

  • Neil Patrick Harris is considering quitting show business and becoming a stay-at-home dad, says "a friend of the actor." Meanwhile, everyone wants to know whose spooge made the twins. (One each?) No clear rumors, yet. [Popeater]

  • Heidi Montag's divorce from Spencer Pratt will becoe official on February 14, 2011. They formally separated on their first wedding anniversary. Even the dissolution of Speidi's marriage is heavyhanded. [TMZ]

  • Sharon Murphy, mother of Brittany, is "disturbed" by reports that she shared a bed with her son-in-law. She's not the only one. Wasn't sleeping with your deceased daughter's husband a plot twist on Nip/Tuck at some point? [TMZ]

  • Betty White got a two-book deal. The first one, Listen Up!, will be Betty's life lessons on sex, love, and celebrity. [Fox]