Will Spanx for Men Destroy Masculinity Once and For All?

First, America's women were relentlessly assaulted by Spanx™ undergarments, which bound their bodies tight like so many sausage cases. Now, our nation's men—once presumed impervious to this sort of thing—are also falling prey to, well, girdles, for chrissake.

How can we, as men who tout ourselves as knowing what's best for us, for our girlfriends and wives, and, indeed, for entire foreign nations, pretend to be noble paragons of forthright virtue when unbeknownst to the outside world (but beknownst to ourselves) we are swaddling our midsections (and even, forgive us, our lower sections) in self-tightening garments which force our proud bellies into hiding? The Washington Post reports that male "shapewear," that misleadingly-titled fiend, may be lurking underneath the outer clothes of even the most upstanding-looking man in your life. The variety of styles has exploded. New manufacturers have proliferated and found success. And some even try to pass themselves off as "athletic gear." Shameful.

[Male restrictive-clothing company Equmen's] products are touted by manly man and Washington Redskins punter Josh Bidwell. "I tried one of their shirts earlier this year to help with back issues I had from playing golf, and it works just great. Really holds your core in place, supports the upper shoulders, particularly when you're working out."

Will Spanx for Men Destroy Masculinity Once and For All?

Oh. Yea. Like a punter would know about muscles, or whatever. Here's something that will "hold your core in place": a weight lifting belt, to be worn around your sweaty, decidedly loose t-shirt, as you grunt and sweat in a manly fashion while lifting immoderate amounts of weight, preferably while issuing primal screams at regular intervals. After the recent plagues of fancy male underwear, fancy male shampoo, and fancy male beds, a sustained assault by fancy male Spanx could be the straw that breaks the male back once and for all.

Hang loose, fellas.

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