Holy drama, Batman! Between Rachel's brief return to the house, Ragan's epic battle to stay alive in the game, and the impending doom the Diamond Power of Veto would bring, this week had it all. Tears! Sabotage! Masturbation! Let's go!

Big Brother Week 6: "I'm Back, B*tches!"

At the end of last week, we were left with yet another crippling nail-biter of a Head of Household competition. There was lots of rope and knots and mud and fake rain. Kathy was in last place the entire time. Same old, same old. Farm boy Lane should have had this in the bag, considering mud and ropes is all he's good for back at home in Texas, but, Brendon's "love" for Rachel — not to mention him constantly shouting out "This one's for you babe!" throughout the HoH competition — gave him whatever inner strength he needed to dominate to win HoH and avenge Rachel's eviction. Yup. Brendon, the last person anyone wanted to have the power, was in charge. Yippie...

Britney, my personal insult hero, was understandably upset about Brendon being HoH because this happened last week.

She's not stupid. You can't just mock someone's neanderthal walk without it coming back to bite you in the ass later on. So the fact that she, Ragan and Matt had a crying session in the Have-Not room after he won is not lame at all and totally understandable.

And those three weren't the only ones breaking down. The head of the Brigade snake, Enzo, was starting to get paranoid about where Lane and Matt's true loyalties lie. Matt has Ragan. Lane has Britney. But who do Enzo and Hayden have outside the Brigade? No one. The seed of doubt was planted in Enzo's head, and the first cracks in the Brigade began to show. It became Enzo's personal mission to get Britney or Ragan out of the house to keep his alliance intact.

In the end, it didn't matter what anyone said to Brendon. He is playing the game for himself and Rachel's black and white photo. No one else. And with that in mind, it makes sense that he put Ragan and the completely arbitrary Lane up for eviction. Lane, having both Britney and the Brigade behind his back, was clearly safe. Ragan, however, would be going home unless he managed to win the Power of Veto.

Well, Zingbot 3000 to the rescue! The green gimmicky robot ended up being the host for the brainy PoV competition. Putting together a puzzle dressed like a robot was exactly what Ragan needed, and he ended up beating Brendon to win the veto, earning him $20,000 and another week in the house. Matt, who secretly had the extra-powerful Diamond PoV, ended up in Ragan's spot on the block because the ghost of Rachel past left Brendon a message in pretzel rods to target Matt. That chemistry degree, hard at work.

Now comes the fun part.

When Brendon went back to his HoH room after the competition was over, he has his very own Pandora's Box. And he opened it, whisking him away to a 24 hour vacation in Malibu, but without his lady love. Why is Big Brother so cruel, you may ask? Why would they not reunite the month long lovers for a lovely spa day of R&R? Because Big Brother is awesome. That's why. You want to know where Rachel was, while Brendon was being pampered and swimming in an infinity pool by himself? SHE WAS BACK IN THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. For a full 24 hours. That's right. When Brendon opened up Pandora's Box, he unleashed the most foul, loathsome thing on the house that could ever be unleashed. A vindictive, spiteful, sore loser, shell of a human being. Rachel.

With a shrill "HAHA! I'm back, Bitches!!!" Hurricane Hair Extensions ripped through the house, destroying everything in her path. There was nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. You either succumbed to the creature or fought back. Ragan, the hero of the week for many reasons, did the latter.

And after that big blow out, Ragan still wasn't done! He sabotaged hard this week, doing a much better job than Annie. If only he had been the saboteur from day one, we would have many more memorable clips of the house guests being annoyed, like this one!

Which brings us to tonight's eviction. Two Brigade members, Matt and Lane, are up on the block. The house, especially Enzo and Hayden, were torn on this eviction, but all signs pointed to Matt being the second jury member. But wait! His Diamond PoV saved him, and instead Kathy, the dead weight of the season, went up in his place.

As usual, Britney summed up this series of events better than I ever could with a resounding "WHAAAAT?!"

After two very sweet and southern speeches, Kathy was unanimously voted out of the house. Good thing, too, because there are no competitions for her to suck at and not win in the jury house! Well, unless you consider having to live with Rachel, and only Rachel, for an entire week a grueling competition. Bye bye, Sheriff Kathy! Fear not, your fish will be safe with Ragan.

On to what really matters — the HoH competition. Earlier this week, Big Brother played a game of Simon Says with the house guests, making them howl at the moon sun, teepee the HoH room, and engage in a group hug for two minutes — in which Enzo noticed how truly ugly everyone's toes are. Delightful. Little did they know that these Simon Says dares would be the fodder they needed to win this week's HoH. And who else would win the coveted but my favorite, the queen of snark, Britney! I can now rest easy for a week. All hail queen Britney, house guests! Especially you, Brendon. You better watch your big, sexy swimmer's back.

Be sure to tune in next week on Sunday and Wednesday to find out who Britney will put up for eviction (besides Brendon, of course) and who will win the PoV (hopefully not Brendon, of course). And next Thursday, Adrian will be back to join me in freaking out over Britney's inevitably awesome week as HoH and the live double eviction. Until then, let us all sit back and watch as queen Britney rules the house by being adorable, funny, and making fun of everyone who is beneath her — which is everyone. And if you're not a Britney fan, let me leave you with this little gem from the live feeds. Jezebel managed to capture the great Lane masturbating in the shower for all the world to see. You're welcome, America.