Men! Even when they groom like women, they are pigs. Salon interviewed women who wax men's balls. One described a client get so turned on, she had to shoot him with a taser. Another said Christopher Hitchens is weirdly flexible.
Salon's Jed Lipinski wrote about getting his first male Brazilian wax, which isn't revelatory in and of itself. (According to journalism, men have been getting Brazilians since 2007, when Newsweek and Christopher Hitchens wrote about it.) This, however, is: Wax technicians are still predominantly female, and even after they tear swathes of dense-packed hair from sensitive body parts, men are unable to distinguish their aestheticians from hookers. Jane Pham, bravest ball-waxer in America and the owner of San Jose's Ted D. Bear Salon, speaks truth:
"Guys think that since they're naked, you're gonna give them head."
Once, she was forced to taze a guy who wouldn't stop misbehaving. "He got really aggressive and kept insisting that I perform certain favors on him," she said. "So I tazed him in the thigh. He fell right off the table."
Brandishing a can of scalding cream wax, she tells newcomers, "She who holds the wax holds the power!"
Unfortunately, the kind of guy who gets turned on by a Brazilian wax probably doesn't mind getting tazed. Anyway, after the harrowing tales from Ted D. Bare, Lipinski tells the story of his own Brazilian wax. He got it from the same lady who waxed Christopher Hitchens' balls. (Her salon has tried to train male aestheticians to perform male waxes. "The boys had no finesse.") This leads to a second revelation about the difference between ball-waxers and hookers: Unlike prostitutes, ball-waxers kiss and tell.
"What was Christopher Hitchens like?" I asked, trying to distract myself from the pain.
She thought for a moment. "He was... flexible."
"Yes, that, but more mental. He is a big, handsome guy, but he has an open mind. When I have his legs in the air, we laugh about it. We talked about sensation. He made a lot of good questions. When he left, I said, 'Janea's waiting for you coming back!'"
Moral of the Story, Part 1: Men! They are pigs who can't tell torture from foreplay.
Moral of the Story, Part 2: Christopher Hitchens can totally hook his ankles behind his head.